Monday Massacres: Kenya Massacres

By • Oct 3rd, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

We are scheduled to beat-up our neighbor this weekend. Not very neighborly behavior but every so often, a nation’s got to put her buddies in their place. For you who UMEME has kept in the dark to the point that you’ve learnt how to charge your phone without electricity, you probably do not know that Uganda is set to take on Kenya in a soccer game this weekend. It is a do-or-die game for both sides. Lucky for Uganda, we have a secret weapon. Sleek.

You see, Sleek was sent on a reconnaissance mission early last month. He was sent behind enemy lines. He studied the opponent thoroughly and using the ninja skills he gained during his time with the secret Shenzhen midgets in 1925, he collected information about the soon-to-be-whooped neighbors.  He published some of his findings here: click  click

They were nice to him when he was there; showed him their clubs, offered him chang’aa, made passes at him… they didn’t know he was a scheming snake. Below, I present to you stuff that we are going to use to take down the poor Kenyans. They talk real fast so I’ve typed this out very slowly, in a Ugandan way, so they won’t be able to read it.

Nyama Choma

Kenyans love nyama choma. We are going to feed their goal-keeper several pieces of roast meat. When we are done with him, he should only be able to look left or right by turning his entire body.

Nyama Choma

Belly dancers from MUK

Makerere University re-opened recently so the nation’s load-shedding has increased to allow more electricity to be sent to the students. They really read those ones. But when they let their hair down, it goes all the way to the ankles. That is to say they have very skilled belly-dancers in that university. While the Kenyan soccer team is being ushered into a hotel to have their last night of peaceful sleep before several nights of nightmares about their ass-whoopage follow, we’ll send some belly dancers their way. Accustomed to Sharia law in their country, they’ll be overwhelmed. They’ll sit and watch the show all night. Of course the hotel staff will have a hard time cleaning up all the drool and other body excretions the next day.

Uganda Waragi

Kenya has alcohol curfew so as soon as the team crosses the border, they’ll be thirsty. We’ll present the spirit that blinds us, Ug Waragi. They’ll sip excitedly, pocketing sachets even, all the while thinking about how they’ll sell them back at home.

Ug Waragi

The last trick up our sleeves is our superior soccer skills. While our neighbors excel at running long distances, they are not so good at kicking soccer balls since it is hard to kick a ball while running a long distance. You can’t do both. Think about it; Did Pele ever win any 10km races?  Did Haile Gebrselassie lift any world cups? Our neighbor has somehow never realized it.

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