In a recent move KCCA has now upgraded from cleaning the city streets of its filthy rabble (sorry, AutoCorrect to rubble) and has now moved on to cleaning the city suburbs of illegal structures. The demolition of illegal structures in the city centre and suburbs has arrived. Next move is to clean up the un-flushed stuff in your toilet and the darkness in your bedroom.
Wait… Hmmm, I will have to get back to you on that.
In the meantime, a word from a well-wisher, ULK fan and internet celebrity, wama dear first tell dem.
This plan, which is slated to last the next few weeks, started with the demolition of structures at a popular hang out joint in Bugolobi called Gabiro. We interviewed Gabiro and this is what the hang-out joint had to say.
Gabiro: Man they nearly demolished me.
Me: Where were you looking? Don’t you know this Kampala? You don’t know how to bribe? You go up without paying taxes, you make noise for residents, you supply their children with enough alcohol to kill them but you feel can’t try and bribe?
Gabiro: Anti, olaba shots are one bob. I hadn’t made enough money to…
Me: Fala, get the f*ck out of here. Go and eat sausage.
Gabiro: Sausage is now 1300 a stick how do you expec..
Me: I said get the f*ck out of here.
Gabiro: But why do you have to say such things? Can’t you be professional?
Me: Eh eh! that is nothing, what if I had said “Go and find your level?”
Some people are saying that this move is arbitrary and that KCCA officials aren’t supplying the necessary warning before demolition. Other people believe that if you own a property you need to sort your taxes, and when they grab you, you shouldn’t bitch. Others (most of them working here at ULK) believe that Kampala is so messed up anyway that all we can do is evolve a sense of humor and get on with life.
Here is a random gif to help you escape suicide.
KCCA’s warlike actions, spearheaded by Mrs Jennifer Amamotherfffffingmonster Musisi have been heralded by many as a breath of fresh air in a city that had become exceedingly disturbing.
Others; like Mr Lukwago Kyokka-I-can-also-have-drama Elias… hold up. I think I heard something…
EDITOR: Streets, STREETS!!
EDITOR: First put a pic for Mr Elias
Streets: Oh, sorry.
….others; like Mr Lukwago Kyokka-I-can-also-have-drama Elias vehemently disagree… who knows? Maybe Mr. Elias and group have a point; also maybe Mr. Elias should go and eat a sausage.
Me: Thank you Miss Internet celebrity and ULK well-wisher, I have to say that was really well timed.
Miss Sausage: You are welcome.
In a recent move, maybe because he also likes being part of the action, maybe because he actually gives a…
Miss Sausage: A sausage.
Me: A bit uncalled for but under the circumstances we will allow it. Please don’t distract me again.
…maybe because he actually gives a Tshh, His Excellency the President, aka El Monsignor aka Chief Cook of Sausage has seen fit to appoint several other impressively CV-d persons to Director Positions within KCCA. They are mooob, those ends of like 12, I would have remembered the exact number but I was high during the press briefing.
These directors are to handle matters ranging from the City Accounts to the toilet paper in that ka toilet near City Square. Like I said before, they are mob. We hope they don’t interrupt Mrs. Jennifer Battle-Axe Musisi in the execution of her duties. There used to be a proverb in primary about cooks and too many of them spoiling the phone booth but I forget it also.
In the meantime, we shall just wait and see, trying our level best to get by from day to day with all these prices and all this jam and all this load shedding and what have you. We shall go and buy the Sense of Humor Work-Out DVD and practice often so that our sense of humor is strong enough to keep us going, and every-time some messed up stuff happens we shall just blurt out Tukooye Sausage Eno!
DISCLAIMER: the Management of ULK would like to inform the masses that we hold no vendetta whatsoever against the Government, KCCA, The Lord Mayor, Gabiro Bar, UMEME, Phone-booths and Sausages. Thank you.