Comprehendable? Comprehensible?

By • Sep 23rd, 2011 • Category: Memory Lane, Seasonal, WTH



Whatever we can’t understand we throw to science. When science fails we turn to religion. That’s where every unexplainable phenomenon is narrowed down to “God’s ways are not ours”. And that’s when you stop asking questions.

There’s, however, one thing that surpasses scientific complexity and the divine touch of religion. This…thing has unfathomable origin and its composite intricacy builds a compound web that several ancestors of Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Barack Obama have failed to untangle. So the Inter-universe Academy of Science and the Pope met and decided to enlist my help.

Ladies and Gentlemen it’s an honour to have you here as I dissect this…thing with the most convoluted surgical precision.

Rap Intros
Anatha joint from yo boy (yeah)/ladies (yo)/ma niggaz (yeah niggaz)/We the best shawty/remix/remix/reeemixxx/Told u we ain’t going nowhere haters/Players in the house/turn it up dawg/It’s time to heat it up (yeah)/Number one in the gaaaame/ah ah ah yeah NY City/Get yo shine on homie/Ya’ll busted niggaz/Turn up the mike Sky Storch/Perfect joint up in here/VIP mathafuckaz/yeeeaaah yeeeaaah yeeeeaaaah/uh ha/Get yo ass up if u feel me…this goes on for a whole minute and a half before the three minute song actually starts. Then all he tells you is how much money and women he’s got before abusing you.

The City Posters
Land for sell/We deal in…funs and radio players…/Gain weight simultaneously/Simparks available/We plan events and bake cakes for weddings, parties…funerals…/Die in style…with the best coffins/MTN airtime for all networks available here/Find piece in Jesus. Call…

That FM Morning Show Presenter
Verbatim: “Good morning my listeners, everyone, hello Kampala. How wars your weekeeend? Yes Weekend. Mine was the beeeest (laughs). I hard fuuun (gets hysterical!) at every joint people y’all. Fun fun fuuun. So how was your weekend boys? Call me and tell me man. Well if you’re asking I had fun. All the fun in the world. Woooo. Every club ina di city centre of Kampala was fun. There was fun eeeeeverywhere. Am going for a short break but when I return back we shall talk about fuuuurrrn…” By the way did this guy tell you he had fun? He didn’t?

Love Stoned
-“Baby I want to marry you in the end. Me and this guy are just having fun”
-“Let’s wait for the right time” (She’s 35 and he’s 38)
-“Kale me it doesn’t matter even if you’re poor…(minutes later)…”Sweetheart could we please go for the PAM awards with my friends? We can all use a cab”
-“I love you hon.” “Thanks too dear.”
-“…you are too small and can’t even grow bigger…” Part of a reason for the breakup.

Bureaucratic Uganda
General Manager: “You have to see the accountant first”

Accountant: “No no no. You have to get the Director’s signature before coming here.”

Director: “Have you seen the accountant?” “Yes Sir.” “Well let him sign then you can come back.”

Accountant: “I told you to see the Director. Let me see…Okay, I see the problem. Go to the General Manager for a chit and another form.”

Director: “No, you don’t need the forms anymore. The format changed. You can go to the accountant.”

Accountant: (Out for lunch)

I’m still trying to find solutions before I present my final analysis. It deeply hurts my pride to have to ask you guys but…please help.

Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • Safyre

    I’m in a similar state of bewilderment, especially at those rap intros! But at least I can help with the bureaucracy.