The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Looking Smart

By • Sep 21st, 2011 • Category: WTH

I lost my wallet over the weekend. What makes it particularly embarrassing is that it was not at a concert or that some “over-made-up, heavily marinated in cheap –perfume’ type was responsible.

There’s something about hanging out that numbs your butt, so there’s no way of noticing that someone has taken the time to explore your back pocket. That’s a story for another day, very likely over a few drinks.

What I’m here for is to dispense advice on how you can look clever, nay, Smart in a bar. Let’s face it; no one wants to steal from smart people.

Carry a book

Whatever you do, make this one count. Don’t go totting Robert Ludlum’s or f***in’ Danielle Steele {sorry, the damn woman may have cost me a crack at a relationship back in primary school by fashioning the thought process of a class teacher}…

You can carry a Mills&Boon or Silhouette in the unlikely event that you will meet a randy female looking for a legit excuse to give it up, however my suggestion is that you carry something akin Physics for Today and Tomorrow.

This will create the impression that you are on the brink of making some incredible discovery and will soon be;

1-   Loaded {prompting people to show some interest in you now, so you reciprocate later}

2-   Famous {which means the tabloids will be all over you, so it makes more sense to be in your company before that}

Failing that, buy a telescope.

Visit http://thesaurus.com and read the heck out of that website.

I don’t really understand the logic here (and why should I? I’m not smart, I was robbed), but people in bars like to throw big words around. The smart people. The lower members of the species will throw slang every which way and reach into your purse or wallet…and dance to freakin’ Justin Bieber.

What you want to do is get a very basic word, dump it into the search bar of that website I just recommended, but can’t be arsed to type again. The results will show among other things, other words that can be used instead.

Please exercise caution, if you’re looking to get laid, not many people take kindly to a know it all…actually, it creates the impression that you may be a bit too controlling in bed/the bush/the backseat/the ATM booth…under the bridge at Centenary Park {high five if you smiled in recognition}

Choose your music wisely and dance like a smart person

DJs like to pull sneaky moves whilst you’re hanging out. One of the more common ones involves playing a song that everybody is crazy about and then, suddenly, without prior warning {and with malice in their hands} play a song that even a headmaster wouldn’t make you dance to. Case in point, you will be dancing to that gym classic; Bend Over, then the DJ will play a snippet of Rum and Red Bull and then suddenly, as you leap into the air screaming “I’m drinking”, he will switch to a Celine Dionne song that only her mother could appreciate… with a gun to her head.

These songs are purely for profiling purposes. Do NOT be pulled in. Should you, however, fall for this sneaky maneuver, it is imperative that you take the status quo to where it was before ‘The Incident’. To do so, walk over to the DJ booth and slap the offender . . .if you’re a lady, if you’re a guy there’s just no coming back from dancing to Celine Dionne.

…to be continued

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About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers