And it’s time for international showbiz news by our international correspondent who is actually me, Baz, writing under another name. Hey y’all, it’s me, international correspondent Lying Seacrest with the showbiz news.
- Jamaican rapper Sean Kingston, who according to actual true reality is from Florida and can’t rap, is gearing up to rock the faces off millions of Ugandan fans this month if millions of Ugandan fans can afford the tickets. If not, he will sing for as many of y’all as he can. Speaking to me through a publicist via an interview he gave to another news organization, Sean, actual names Kisean Anderson Mugimu, said he was looking forward to comin’ back to Uganda, the land his father emigrated from before he flew to the US, made his mother pregnant and then disappeared.
- Upon hearing the news that Sean Kingston is actually the son of a deadbeat Ugandan dad, dozens of shifty conmen are currently in early stages of preperations to bumrush the poor singer at the airport claiming to be his cousins in the hopes that they will benefit financially from the singer’s great wealth. At least kko get free tickets.
- This just in. Rapper Nikki Minaj has released an affidavit sworn before a magistrate in Los Angeles county claiming that she is not responsible in any way for Puff Daddy’s mysterious pregnancy. Puff Daddy, a pathetic excuse for a rapper, was recently put in the family way by an as-yet-unidentified rapist, who is still at large according to Gary Sinise as Detective Mac Taylor of CSI: NY.
Minaj, speaking through a report published on another website, said the only woman she knows who is capable of making a man pregnant is Lady Gaga.
- Lady Gaga was unable to give a comment because she was out of the country. The freakishly odd Gaga is currently on vacation in the exotic foreign nation of Uganda which most Americans don’t believe actually exists. The State Department has launched an investigation to find out what this so-called Uganda is, saying they have only ever heard of it on an episode of I.M Weasel.
- And finally, the greatest musician in the entire world, Bebe Cool MC, well, he hasn’t done anything new lately, but he is the most magnificently amazing human singer in history and his power as a singer is so massive that it causes large bits of the earth to rise upwards from sheer riddimforce and become mountains every time he says “pucho hens up”. Rwenzori mountain ranges were formed when he launched his debut hit, Mikono Juu in 54 BC, you know?
And yes, that’s what BC stands for.