A certain phenomenon, has hit Kampala once again. Every time this phenomenon lands splat
… in Kampala, the city of dust and Grace Nakimera;…
… It sends shock waves throughout the seven hills. The ripples of the aftershock last weekend washed up on our poor streets last, sending the electricity dashing back to the sockets and leaving images of a certain Ex Vice President all over the tabloids.
Yes you guessed it; this phenomenon is non other than the Ex Vice Presidential touch. The touch is back in town. Hide your women.
See now I me as myself I was not convinced. Sincerely why should touching be a touchy subject? So I asked our resident etiquette expert and ex pervert, Mr Tombolo Shafthead Malaaya what his views on the touch being back in Kampala meant for the general well-being of our political, social and gastronomical well being.
MR TOMBOLO: No comment
Somehow I found his answer to be highly satisfactory.
I went on to do my own private research so that I could understand why the real estate on the front page of certain tabloids was so taken with mere touching, instead of showing us bummy chicks like usual. This was too much, the Mzee had even gone into hiding! I zeroed in on one touch that looked like it must have been a mega touch. We got the full details from an eye witness, (a juicy curvy polokative spongy bummed yoyo with a tomahawk on her Kandahar)
imagine our shock when she arrived therefore, to find only this…
POKOLATOR: “So now what happened was dat…
ULK: Uh huh
POKOLATOR: The madam, now she was deya, just standing deya. Den him de VeePee he stood behind her but she stayed as if just deya…
UKL: Un huh…
ERIQUE: .. But how is this bitch talking, Streets make her spell properly.
PERCOLATOR: So him he comes behind her, gently gently gentleeeee then
BUMMY WAITRESS: Then KA PA! He touched.
ULK: Like that!
PERCOLATOR: Like that
UKELE: Eh! Kika.
PERCOLATOR: Nga doesn’t he touch again the second time? Even us we got scared. He even squeezed rhythimically.
ULK: Say Swear
U LICK EH: Did the touchee complain?
PERCOLATOR: I don’t know because I quickly fainted. but I remember as if she mwenyed.
PERCOLATOR: She kwemwenya-mwenyad, as in, the ka face it became silly and the ka-neck it started…
ULK: We understand what you mean thank you.
Non-the-less I was not convinced that this was enough to justify all the uproar; I went deep into war territory and contacted one of the touchees herself.
She couldn’t come but she sent her representative.
ULK: Hello Right boob aka knob of Kampala shaftress. How are you? Eh! nga they didn’t lie, you are very juicy, you are dripping the juiciness in the carpet!!
BOOB: (wriggles in a friendly way)
In the end we couldn’t do much. It was too hard just trying to concentrate with that entire boob in sight. . I think Sleek may have gotten a touch or two though. Because he came back smelling like boob juice.
However I did learn that she hadn’t been the only victim of the touch. Others had been touched, including Judith Heard’s hand, Nvannnugi’s face and Desire Luzinda’s buttocks.
……. So no problem of favoritism there
So why the big deal? There must be something special about this particular touch right?
Eventually I approached the toucher himself and asked why he was all over the tabloids. He told me about his family tree, and his showed me a picture of his most inspiring touch personalities.
After which he showed me his Intergalactic Touch License and told me to cordially fuuxck off.
And that was that.
MR VEE PEE: I touch who I want. I am old, I am retired, if these Chogm things work out I will be rich. So let me touch. Atte there is this one who I hear may win this Miss ISA Beauty Pageant. Tell her if she doesn’t win I may touch her also. I am tired of joking around.
So please Vote Miss Sarah K before she gets touched.