As you might know, there is no way that a man can live alone in this harsh cold cwuel cwuel world. So God was there in all his wisdom. After a nonchalant suck on his lollipop, he said something, and what he said was something like; “human beings should have pets”, and the matter was finished. And human beings were like OhMyGod God! You are like so totally awesome! We should so have pets! We can cuddle em and snuggle them and stiffle them and do all sorts of warm furry Punky Brewsty things to them!!
But what if your taste is for the macabre, what if your idea of stimulating evening companionship isn’t a cheery parrot or a loving dog? What if instead it is Lady Gaga you want chained to your bedpost with a bone in her jaws? Should you be marginalized?
I think not.
Presenting; the top ten what if pets for the mentally unbalanced.
1- Jimmy The Daddy Long Legs. Upside is that, this is a pet with personality. Yep, he has grace, he slouches like a gangster, and the best thing is, he can provide you with much needed amusement on those cold Saturday evenings when you need too pull the legs of of something.
The Downside is; he is completely composed of dust.
2- Alvin the Kakarabanda. The Mukarabanda (I use the prefix “Ka” because experts advise to start training them as soon as they hatch) is a dark skinned three legged pimp who wears high heeled shoes and likes prancing in dormitories after dark. Upside is he doesn’t need feeding. He feeds on those worn out kyangwes that always seemed to vanish in the dorm. Downside is that he looks like a Sudanese Michael Jackson.
3- Sergio the Boa Constrictor. Impressive creature, magnificent proportions. All muscle and no measurable IQ whatsoever. Upside is that he is a very handy pet. Soon as the landlady comes poking around… Ka Cha!! And its Bye Bye landlady. Downside is that he doesn’t do much, just sits around all day. (He is one of those guys who think size is everything.)
4- Dipsy the Telle-tubby: Upside, he is real nigga, wears cool lime-green velvet and can he dance! Downside, he has an erection coming out of his head.
Please sit down Mr. Mathers, You’ve done quiet enough damage already.
5- The Gimp from Pulp Fiction: He was in the Pet Shop. I wasn’t sure if he was a pet or one of the staff. Cool guy, we chatted for a while.
6– John D the Pig. Downside, None. Johnny is a completely charming fellow Upside; when he dies you can eat him.
7-Zaina Nabukenya: A Miss Uganda Contestant: Downside, she doesn’t eat ffene. (What sacrilege). Upside; when she is well and nicely dead, you can cut off her head and mount her against the wall. Click here for picture of well mounted young female. WARNING: Parental Discretion is advised.
8- A Tree Stump. Cheap and easy to maintain. Trees are considered to be wise, so like if you cut off the head of the tree, Common-sense which is not common…. wait no that wont work. I wanted to bitterly satirize the tomfoolery of our Government on this Mabira thing. But the Pilau they brought at lunch had no beef.
9- Einstein the Human Brain. In a glass jar full of formaldehyde, the human brain (preferably someone else’s) makes an excellent pet. Upside, quiet, unobtrusive. Just there listening to its Don Moen and minding its own business. Downside: You can never trust it. It has a mind of its own.
10- Chum-chum the Chimpazee. Think about how cool it is to have a pet chimp. It would be like time travel. Hanging out with your grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, (a sec, need to catch my breath) grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, grand, father’s father. Upside, you get to provide a home for a soon to be homeless member of an endangered species, (P.O. Box What?, Mabira Forest? Address unknown, Please return to Sender)
Downside; Even if his IQ is higher than yours, you will never find out.