How To Be A Cinema Douche in 12 Steps.

By • Aug 22nd, 2011 • Category: How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

 

How To Behave In A Movie Cinema. If you are a douchebag.The Urban Legend 12 step Guide to Success in Every Single Thing has your back on this.
So, let’s get started.

1. Pick a good movie. The scope of damage you cause by being a douchebag during a bad movie is minimal.

2. If you want to know if a movie is going to suck, check and see if Nicolas Cage stars in it. Everything he does these days sucks. I don’t know how, or why or who he pissed off among the witchdoctors of Hollywood’s version of Masaka, but that guy is never going to make a movie again that will not suck all the shit out of the back of the biggest ass in the field of suckswine pigs that graze on bogus in the land of lousy films. True story.

 

You owe me money, you wad!

3. Buy a large bag of popcorn. Open your mouth wide, put some in, and chew. DO NOT CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AT ANY POINT. Chew with your mouth wide open. I swear you will be the biggest douche in the cinema if you do it well.

4. Tell at least fourteen people to call you at around 7:45pm. This is usually the point when the movie is advancing to the second act and some crucial piece of dialogue is about to be spoken. Unless the movie stars Nic Cage, in which case some trite and contrived vacant ballsack of weak dialogue is about to collapse onto the face of his costar. If it’s Nic Cage these days, then this is the point where everyone is beginning to cry inside, realising that Castor Troy, Memphis Raines, Cameron Poe and even Yuri Orlov are dead and they are rolling around in their graves. However, if you paid attention to the points above, you should be interrupting a good, and not a shite movie.

5. So your fake bu-friends will call you at this moment. I hope you remembered to use one of those Chinese dual-sim phones. They have the most annoying ringtones in all of technology.

5.5. You may have noticed some grammatical errors in this article so far. Sorry about that. I’m posting at night while hungry. I will fix them after my office meeting Tuesday.

6. Talk to other people, even the ones who are not on the phone. What you say depends on two things. Have you watched the film before? If so, then do like VJ Jingo and tell us what is going on as if we don’t have our own eyes with our own retinas and cannot understand. Say things like, “Hah! He doesn’t know that Optimus Prime is not really dead. He is actually just hiding under the Statue of Liberty’s skirt. You wait and see.”

7. If you have not watched the movie, ask everyone what his up. “Eh eh? Now where is he hiding? Mama, a huge robot like that and mbu it just goes and hides in the middle of a whole city? Let them stop lying us. Twakowa! Heh heh heh.”

It is a very douchy thing to do, this: to pay money and use highly-priced fuel to go to a cinema film about giant talking robots that are also trucks and then act as if you are too intellectual and sophisticated to be impressed by giant talking robots that are also trucks. The shouting “Twakowa” is an extra touch of douchiness, because saying a long-tired worn-out joke phrase and then laughing to yourself right after is like a championship level douchebag manouver. I’m sure Didier Drogba himself does it all the time. **

 

D. Bagba

8. This article is getting to be too long.

9. Keep talking. This time talk to the characters on the screen. Saying “Wapi!” and “Olimba!” are great ways to douchebag the movie experience. But if you want to be creative, add “Are you sure?” every time one character says something really deeply.
“I don’t care if the Russians get the damn coordinates and launch the missiles and nuke Detroit! You mean more to me than all the cities on the planet! I love you!”
Now just pierce the following silence by saying, “Are you sure?”

10. Then laugh at your own cleverness. This is a level of doucheness that even Piers Morgan would applaud.

11. Okay. We have reached the end now. Last point is, of course, spoilers.

12. Voldermort kills Harry in the end.

** I want to thank KK aka killajams on X-it XFM for that insult to Drogba. Thank you boss.

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