12 Steps to Success. How To Be A Watchman

By • Aug 18th, 2011 • Category: Columns, How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

Our readers, according to reputable market survey firm (called Facebook) are posh, elegant, stylish, cultured bourgeoisie snobs who sometimes even eat kabalagala with both a fork and a knife at the same time. They live the lifestyle of ballers and high rollers. Some of them even know the lyrics to pop songs. Others call them relics, but we don’t discriminate. Wamma you read. And eat kabs with mayonnaise.

However, as you have heard ad nauseum, our economy is going through a rough patch. It is possible that you yuppies, or you university students studying to be yuppies, or you professionals, all you ballers out there will soon need to supplement your income with a night job.

In the good old days


So, the Urban Legend How To Guide today brings you How to Become a Night Watchman in 12 Steps.


  1. Unlearn. Education, it has been said, probably by a very educated man, sucks. It ruins your mind. It narrows your imagination and curtails your curiosity, it trains you to think inside the box. And the box sucks.
  2. Education being a bitch in the ass is one thing, but they say the only thing worse than education is lack of education. Because without it now you are illiterate and wide open to the lies us educated people come up with. Like how last Idd, Shafik, one of my neighbours (he’s an architect) convinced Mama Blenda, the chick who comes around to wash clothes, that anyone who works on a public holiday has to work for free.
  3. However, you cannot be a security guard with an education. Why not? That’s exactly the sort of behavior that is going to cost you your job. Asking questions. Asking questions leads to gaining information, which counts as being educated. So stop asking.
  4. Add to that being mean. Develop a desire to destroy things purely at random. Nurture that part of you that likes to see blood gush out of holes.
  5. Learn to make holes in flesh. You can do this using a ssasilimu rifle, we think. We have never actually seen those antiques shoot anybody, and from the looks of them, we doubt that they would even bruise skin. Probably just itch. But a bow and arrow looks lethal enough. I suggest you get the bow and arrow. Have you seen the trailer for Immortals? Besides the fact that that movie is going to rock eyes,it also motivates security guards.

    Mean business

  6. Now learn laziness. A large part of the job of a security guard is getting deeply engaged in a process called fwaa. The best security guards are experts at this, and if you want to do it, you have to do it well. You have to engage fwaa very deeply. Don’t just do fwaa. You have to be fwaa.In fact don’t just be fwaa. Be there like fwaa.
  7. Now, while you are as such, the mulodi is going to arrive at the gate with their car. You are hired to guard the house from thieves—that is the main priority on your portfolio—but you are also expected to open the gate, as if the mulodi doesn’t have hands and can’t open his own damn gate.
  8. When mulodi arrives, he or she will hoot. You hate that. Because it wakes you up.
  9. First shuffle, adjust your nuts (where applicable) grunt and shuffle slowly to the gate. Take your sweet time. Mulodi has a car stereo and there is music to entertain him/her or them. No hurry.
  10. While you were dilly-dallying carjackers surrounded Muloodi’s car. They are trying to steal it. Quick! The bow and arrows. Shoot! Shoot everywhere! Shoot everything!
  11. Now everyone is dead. The robbers, muloodi, everyone. What have you done! Wring your arms, wail in anguish! Rend your heart apart with remorse! Squeal in moral agony!
  12. Then figure that man, the economy is tough, man, so go through their wallets, take everything and vanish. Get a job in the next trading centre.

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