Hello. Are you a woman? Check if you are not sure.
Though to be honest, if you are not sure, you can’t be a woman– if you are not sure, you are a transgendered individual and unfortunately your rights are not recognized in Uganda. I would address you but there is no position a writer can take on gay issues without alienating half his readers, so I’m just going to assume you don’t exist.
Now, women, allow me to greet you in your language: “Heeey grrrrrl. Looking goooood. Eh maama, loooove the shoes. Where did you get them? OOoh! Colin Farell OMG is so hooooorrt”
Now that we have the formalities out of the way, let us get to business. I am going to bridge the gender gap, peoples. The misunderstandings that separate men and women? I’m going to obliterate those shits right here right now. It’s going to be awesome. Watch.
I am talking about the toilet seat.
Now, some of you don’t realize this. You see, women get mad when they find the toilet seat up. Some of you men don’t know this because
a) You don’t give a rats ass
b) You have never lived with women
c) You use latrines
d) You use bushes. Toilet kitu gani
Those in the upper income brackets get my meaning. Women get so pissed off about toilet seats you wonder why they are not walking to work over this.
But Women, listen. Women?
I know a place where the toilet seat is NEVER up. EVER. Men use that toilet all day long week in and week out, but they NEVER EVER EVER raise the seat.
You know where that place is? What it is called?
It’s called The Gents.
You see, in the gents we have two kinds of places to do our thang. Unlike you women in the ladies who have fourteen (Or so I assume, from what I have heard). We have toilets with seats and we have urinals.
Because we can wizz in the urinals we never bother to lift the seats of the other toilets.
See how I just brought peace and harmony to all families around the world except the ones which cannot afford to have a urinal stall built into their bathrooms? Send my nobel prize to ULK Headquarters.