I was out over the weekend doing my annual inspection of bars; you know, doing basic checks to find out what allure these shindigs present after dark. Pure research. I run into a couple of buddies and they told me that beer prices had gone up. I’d heard rumors in the news before about beer prices doing the tango, but such a problem is not real till you are standing at the counter ordering for a crate for thirsty company. So, to stick it to the man, presenting alternative ways to have fun at a bar sans beer:
- Get there early and demand for a discount for being the first at the bar
- Sit at the bar and sip those last bits that people leave in the bottle
- Watch people dance and when they get sweaty and put their bottles down, help yourself to a sip or two. A sip is acceptable, two is tolerable, three or more is being downright greedy.
- Buy sugarcane, squeeze it and leave in an open jar for two weeks. Drink the resulting potent concoction seconds before hitting the bar
- If you are not into sugarcane (basically if you are not a sweet person), go to the nearest computer. Such as the one you are reading this from. Google ‘Guinness secret formula’. Use it and make your own Guinness at home. You’ll need a lot of shoe polish to pull this off. I’m not saying shoe polish is one of the ingredients since after all, it is a secret formula. Naturally, you’ll get a lot of happy friends. Happy friends make the world go round.
- If you are a lady then most of these tips are useless since telling you how to get beer at a bar is like trying to teach the Red Pepper about fiction
- Go with a guitar and walk into the bar singing ‘Hero’ and energetically strumming the music outta that thing. Voice training is needed here since you’ll need to sing above that Racheal K song the DJ will be playing. The moment you walk in making that joyful noise, you’ll immediately be surrounded by a bevy of pretty girls with white teeth and toothy smiles. They’ll wait for when you are singing the chorus and offer to buy you things.
- Get a ninja costume and somersault into the bar. Sit. Everyone knows how cool ninjas are. Turn down the first 5 drinks, telling the people offering that it is against the Heinchi code to drink anything made from plants’ gonads. After the 5th offer, drink that stuff like the entire continent depends on you.
- Avoid bars. They don’t play deep, soulful music. That music that makes you think about white sand beaches; the one that makes you pour the beer in the sink and reach for juice. Maurice Kirya will sing such music on 2nd September at Serena. Be there. And trust me on the ninja costume.