Harry Potter was one of the most successful book series ever and as a writer I am very jealous of JK Rowling. So, like a Chinese company, I’m going to try and make a bootleg African Harry Potter story.
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn’t hold with such nonsense.
That what what happened in UK. Now meanwhile in Kitintale, plot number 4 Mugalu close, Mr and Mrs Ddungu were proud to say they were perfectly normal. He was a middle-aged Ugandan man who perpetually wore a drunken daze in his eyes. This was courtesy of the tot of Royal Gin mixed with every cup of coffee he took, from breakfast to nightfall, when he got rid of the coffee and put the gin in his beer. Meanwhile she was an idiot who wasted his money on her local church pastor who may have been sleeping with her, though we are not sure. There is no proof.
Now, somewhere else in the book there lived a boy with a scar on his head. His name was Harry. Harry Opoka. And he went to a school called Hogwarts SSS with his two friends Lonad and Herman. Herman was to provide sexual tension during the narrative by leading the readers to wonder if Harry and him would ever become a couple. Actually they would not, because Herman wasn’t gay.
Harry might have been, but only if the gay recruiters who we hear of, the ones who sneak into schools to teach kids gayness, ever reached Hogwarts SSS.
Now, Hogwarts was not a normal school. It was in Masaka. And we all know about Masaka. Yeah. That’s where if you get training as a doctor it’s not always a medical one.
One day the headmaster of Hogwarts, Mr Ddamba, saw Harry, and realizing that Harry was special, called him aside.
He gave him forty strokes of the cane. Just for just. After all, he was the headmaster and that’s the type of shit headmasters do in Uganda. This is not UK.
Harry went back and him and Herman talked and shared their feelings, leading the readers to think they were going to do it. But they didn’t.
Then one day there came word of a guy called Bwodammunti. In his early youth he had developed a very bad cold that made him sneeze very violently. Unfortunately, this cold had not been cured by the time he developed leprosy.
Now Bwoddamunti and Harry Opoka were the ones with the sticks. And so they had to compete to see who can shoot the other most. However, I decided that the story would be much better if instead of shooting magic, they had a kung fu match. You will thank me when they make it a movie. So Harry Opoka used flying dragon of Wu style, while Bwoddamunti used the iron hawk fist. The results were obvious. Everybody knows, iron hawk fist cannot block flying dragon.
So Harry was going back to school and was crossing the road when he saw a trailer. He walked up to it and said, “Mutima? Mutima Sprime? Is that you?”
The trailer stood up, developing legs, and said, “I seek the All Spark.”
Harry shook his head sadly. “It’s in a secret government facility. There are using it to manufacture votes for the next two elections.”
How will they do that?” growled Mutima Sprime. “The All-Spark is powered by sugar-fuelled batteries. To do that kind of work they would need hundreds of tonnes of sugar!”
That’s the cliffhanger to set up for the sequel.