If, by now, you don’t know that almost every basic commodity in the country is pricey, congratulations. You are the president’s child. Go claim your cut of family riches. No, don’t worry about the way he looks at you. Tell him to stop doubting you and act responsibly because your DNA was fully tested and certified by the people at ULK.
If you are not the president’s kid, you’re probably going to hell. And you have to start paying for your sins by buying everything expensively. But not to worry. For us who are going to heaven always like to help disadvantaged sinners like you. God bless us.
We are running a charity drive asking all the kindhearted to please donate a tip on how to save money in these tough times. So far, we have compiled 13 infallible tips and if you have any more to share, please throw them into the charity bucket in the comments section down there.
Why 13 reasons? Because people tend to discriminate the number 13. It has feelings too, you know?
- A wrong ATM card PIN is your friend. Let the machine swallow your card
- A good looking pair of shoes is your enemy. Buy it and throw it away so that you don’t get tempted to spend on it again
- Use condoms sparingly. Have sex in small, reasonable bits
- Save toilet paper. Use both sides
- Thieves are on your side. Let them take your money so you don’t spend it stupidly
- Don’t buy things you don’t need. What’s a 21-inch CRT TV for? Get a wall mountable 70-inch flat screen digital Plasma LG with 7-speaker stereo and bass surround sound
- Don’t waste electricity. Go and watch TV from your neighbour’s house
- Don’t waste water. Carry your pupu to the neighbour’s toilet and flash it from there
- Don’t waste food. If you don’t want it, go and buy it for other people
- Don’t waste anything that hasn’t expressly asked you to waste it. Yes, you need to go get those banana peels you threw in the dust bin and give them a warm place to stay and good food to eat till that time when they decide for themselves that life is not worth living anymore
- Buy a gun or a knife so that when that askari at Nakumatt arrests you, he will have saved you from spending precious money. Or he will kill you, which is an even better money saving initiative
- Say NO to your problems. They normally don’t like rejection so they’ll go away. Some may plead to stay but don’t listen
Then I don’t know how this last one is supposed to help exactly but we will publish it anyway:
13. Learn to save and stop spending carelessly