Miss Uganda. Remember her?

By • Aug 4th, 2011 • Category: Features, Society

 

 

While I am in full support of lucrative economic activities because this nation needs development, I am also in support of laughing at the absurdity of any of these lucrative activities which involve very dense chicks with vaseline on their teeth wearing bikinis that should have had the bottoms padded.

 

Available in local stores and boutiques

That is why I say we must all support the return of the Miss Uganda pageant. Buy tickets. If we lie down and despair the recession will come. Economic activity must continue. Must increase. We must save Uganda by having more of these pageants.

However, we can make them better, more interesting, more entertaining, so that we avoid the problems that have plagued previous Miss Uganda pageants, such as boredom.

And also adultery. I cannot categorically prove that this didn’t happen, but there were reports of people leaving their wife in the VIP section and sneaking out for a smoke, then deciding to have two smokes, which lead to three, plus mob Smirnoff and finally  kicking off an affair with a chick who was an usher there, stemming from a debate about her being hotter than the contestants.

We carried out a survey and polled Ugandans about what they would like to see in the Miss Uganda pageant and these were the results:

 

  • Less discrimination against badoinkadoinks.
  • Remove the “interviews”, the “question and answer sessions”, the “letting them speak”. Though these sessions are meant to showcase the contestants’ personalities and intellect, what we have seen so far is them just showcasing the contestants’ lack of intellect and also showcasing the fact that we could give a rats ass about their personalities. Our survey found that the interview segment should be replaced with some Shutting Up of the Hell.
  • Usually we crown the woman and are told that she is important and that’s left at that. We just know she’s important even though she proceeds to do exactly nothing that matters to any person or group of persons in any manner, way or process whatsoever and at any place at all with the result that Miss Uganda is the most important useless person in Uganda. We need to change that. Stop taking us for a ride and give the woman work. Upon crowning Miss Uganda should either get a radio countdown show or at least a seat on Sweet Talk with Seanice, Crystal and the other two ones whose names I keep forgetting. She should also get an accent, of course, so she can fit in. Actually, don’t let her have an accent. It will be even better if she speaks like Elias Lukwago. Give the show more flavor. I mean, picture this:

Seanice:  “I can’t stand body odour.”

Crystal: “It’s such an irritating thing!”

Otherchick 1: “I agree! I hate it!”

Otherchick 2: “And it smells bad!”

Miss Uganda: “But you peepo osso you, fast wait kko. Samutaymu boddyooda canny be whenny tis attrwactiivu innya mani. Itty showsy whenny da man she havuwalotwovu sitamina!! Golola Mosesi!”

All of them agree and share hi-fives.

 

  • Other potential jobs for Miss Uganda include: Leader of the Opposition Party which we need to start, us the facebook generation, instead of just whining on Facebook about how Museveni isn’t selling us enough sugar. I’m serious about this by the way. Fuck these Besigyes. If we are going to sort out Uganda it’s up to us guys. Serious part ends here. Back to talking shit.
  • She should be given autotune, a ragga beat, a feature spot from Radio and Weasel and/or Keko so that she can give us a hit Kidandali joint.
  • She should hold a Charismatic Christian healing crusade. But not a real one. A fake one where the healings are staged. I say this because I don’t make jokes about God, but I do make jokes about fake preachers.
  • Finally, I should clarify that that survey I mentioned earlier does not exist.

 

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