Monday Massacres: Big Brother Amplified Finale, The Lowdown

By • Aug 1st, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

I watched the Big Brother Amplified finale last night. Former stripper, Karen from Nigeria and Zimbabwean pilot, Wendall won this year’s edition of the show. The highly informative show tackles issues that concern the youth and keep them up at night, tossing and turning; issues like “How do I take someone’s clothes off without using my hands?”,  “How do I win a wrestling mash up in a tub when I’m half-naked and all oiled up?”.  The show not only takes on these issues straight-on, it goes further and shows one, two, heck even three ways of solving those issues. BBA has diversity, with people coming from all over the continent to sit in one very popular house in South Africa.  Popular because for the rest of the year, it is used to house a lab that breeds monkeys that can play darts.

So it had come down to 7 housemates, from the one hundred or so who were in the house originally. Our very own Ernest Wasake Jr was in that house at a certain point in time, but he was told to go lick his lips from elsewhere. The first to be kicked out was Vina, the Nigerian girl. You may remember her as the one who wears a Mohawk. A Mohawk is what happens to your hair when you run head-first into a ram. Because rams are rare, Mohawks are rare too.


I give you mohawk. Just Charge

Hanni was the next to go.  You might remember her as the one that’d keep you watching the show even when there was no volume. Speaking of no volume, they ought to get those local soccer commentators to give the show audio appeal; that way BBA can be broadcast on radio. Click here to pay for that tip

Sharon O was the fifth housemate to be shown the exit. The show host, Ik Osakioduwa, turned on stage and while wiggling his waist, said to Sharon O “Jangu jangu, nkutwale…”. Sharon O was very hesitant, as though waiting for Ik to  laugh and say “lol. Jox. U cn sit dwn”. That didn’t happen so for the nth time, our representative in the house came 5th in the competition. It all started with Gaetano, who was given a thunderous welcome; screaming crowds, sans tear gas, lined the streets all the way from Entebbe to Kampala. The man even met the old man in a hat. That was in 1978, when on hearing of his coital discussions on international TV, the country was collectively turned on. It is this jinx that has kept us coming 5th. Every one of our representatives aims to come in 5th, hoping that an excited crowd will welcome them at the airport.

Empty Airport

Screaming fans at the airport

It was down to four people. 3 boys, 1 girl. Obviously the Big Brother is sexist. Lomwe was the next to be kicked out. At this point many of the people I was watching with at a local bar near home started raising their voices in protest. It is said that the young man was very entertaining, and ought to have won something besides the standard edition Big Brother water bottle he got. Ernest and Sharon O got that too.

Luclay was the third housemate to be shown the exit. He came that close to becoming a thousandaire. Or millionaire. Or gazillionaire. Depending on the currency. That close to all that money. So close. So close. Maybe he should have tried to escape from the house, like do a Scoffield and try to get sucked down the drainage system. That ought to have won him more votes.

The last people left were Wendal and Karen. Karen had taken a clear lead in the game as the weeks progressed. She was a clear favorite on the continent. Wendal was a surprise. It is interesting to note that Kenya voted for Wendal (not for Sharon O, their home-girl who made them dance to ‘Jangu Jangu’) and Tanzania voted for Karen (not for Sharon O, the girl-next-door who bust moves on many Bongo stages). So much for neighborly love. At a time like this, when we need that money for electricity, we were foxed. East African Community, NAT!

I guess it’s back to voicing Telenovellas for Big Brother.


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