We recently bought fighter jets worth about $740 million. That’s the kind of money that you need to fund a small home laboratory to clone yourself. That’s about how much The Matrix Reloaded grossed. Neo did all those antics for nothing. All that walking-around-in-shades the entire movie, all that for nothing.
$740 million. That is more than what The Twilight Saga: New Moon grossed. More than The Twilight Saga: Eclipse even. All that make-up Robert Parkinson had to sit through to make him pale and desirable to the screaming pre-pubescent female, all that has nothing on our fighter jets.
So I did some research on what else our fighter jets can do and why they are the hottest thing since midgets that fart gold. I called up Eminem Rubaranga, a top secret agent who only gives me info on condition that he stays anonymous. I asked him, “What’s the deal with these jets. What makes them so special? Why do they think they can upstage Twilight? “
Here’s the low-down:
National Public Address System: These fighter jets we got are off the shizzo. No more need for the President to wake up at midnight and rush to UBC to sit in front of a red background and a small Uganda flag to deliver a special message to us. With the arrival of the jets, “Fellow countrymen…eat cake and bread, use protection and drink milk bla bla…” will come to us straight from the fighter jets. All our beloved leader has to do is step out of bed, shoo the scrawny barking dog in the compound away, walk into the fighter jet parked at the far end of the compound, flip the ‘Address the nation’ switch and whatever he says will come straight to our radios and TVs.
Party spot: Because the powers that be know only too well how big the nation is on partying, they went out of their way to acquire jets that have in-built watering holes, and a small stage for album launches. So this one will depend on how long they plan to keep it a secret from y’all. Chances are they’d want to keep it under wraps till the next elections; that way polling stations can even be setup in there, to take the ‘secret ballot’ thing to a new level altogether. From Rubaranga’s talk, the powers that be are locked in debates on what to call the hangouts in the jet fighters. One freedom fighter is particularly bent on having them called ‘Mama Milka’s’. Another one, who didn’t like the implications ‘Milka’ carried with it, wanted the hangouts to be called ‘Booobs’, with 3 o’s, That way no one would confuse the name with ‘boobs’, which would give a wrong picture.
Alien attack repellant: This one I didn’t need to be told by Rubaranga. Just looking at those things on TV, it was obvious no alien would dare fruck with Ug, now that we have fighter jets.
Moon landing: The acquisition of those beauties is the first step Ug has made towards sending one of our very own to the moon. If flown fast enough, and with the right amount of fuel, our jets can get to the moon. And we all know getting to the moon means we can buy land there before anyone else.
End to food, fuel shortages: Flying those fighter jets worth $740million dollars above any farm makes the plants grow faster. Flying them over fuel stations makes the fuel in the pumps release cantimonoxide, which is an awesome chemical that makes fuel more potent. Think Golola on a steroids and Viagra cocktail.
I can’t think of enough ways to thank the powers that be for the awesome acquisition. I also can’t begin to think of any other way that $740m could have been used. Maybe buying all the copies of Twilight and locking up kittens to watch them back-to-back for ten years. But that sucks. So fighter jets rock.