There’s something that pissed me off so bad last week that I practically smelled of ammonia. Literally. Okay, maybe this kid at Alleygators accidentally pee’d on my shoe but you get the point, yeah? So focus. The pee…manya the thing that pissed me off:
Some of you may know him as the Presidential Spokesperson while others (the more learned like me, thank you please) may know him as the Regional Representative for the African Society of the Stupid-ASS (NRM’s parent company).
Maybe I should give you a little background to this new social order. It started a few days ago when this year’s Shs 160 Billion State House budget was approved by parliament. Except this wasn’t just any regular budget (obviously). No, dear beloved reader. This one had obscene amounts of money dedicated to things like patriotism clubs, entertainment, car maintenance and medals. I mean, who needs food when we have medals, right? And that’s not even the interesting bit.
All these items of great national, religious and cultural significance (I bet they even play a big role in uniting the Middle East and putting a final stop to the Israel-Palestine conflict) were duplicated and split into different sub-items as listed below:
Entertainment (billion shillings)
- DJ BK & DJ Tumz – 14
- Speakers – 4.6
- Old school music – 8.8
- New school music – 8.9
- Rock – 16
- R&B – 7
- Golola Moses jokes – 11
- Bebe Cool’s leg – 13.4
Car maintenance (billion shillings)
- Car repair – 20
- Car repair with maintenance – 21
- Car repair without maintenance – 20.7
- Installing more potholes to create need for car repair – 40
- Maintaining the potholes – 45
Medals (billion shillings)
- Medals for those who fought in the bush – 18
- Medals for those who didn’t fight but were with us in spirit – 11
- Medals for those complaining about the lack of food – 16
- Medals for those hit by lightning – 17
- Medals for teachers who want a salary raise – 18
- Medals for the dollar to bribe it to go away and leave our shilling alone – 17
Now because many MPs read ULK, they knew that if they didn’t do something about it, we would undress them in public, like we devotedly always do. So when they tried to make noise about the cabinet’s insensitivity during this time of great economic distress, guess what Tamale Mirundi’s brain thought would be the best thing to say. No, don’t guess. It’s just a figure of speech, man. What’s wrong with you? Don’t make me yell at you and hurt your feelings.
He said nti mbu:
“Shya! If there is extravagance, the MPs should be the ones to blame. They should tell us why they keep approving this money.”
Riyale! Even I cannot find a snide comment to suit this guy’s logic. Let’s try this again.
Tamale Mirundi, the Ugandan shilling is now the world’s worst performing currency. Whatcha say?