Monday Massacres: How To Impress A Hot Girl At A Restaurant

By • Jul 25th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

You probably had one of those weekends that involved you leaving the country on a clandestine trip to Afghanistan to deal with some bearded beings causing mayhem. Or you had to supervise a rabbit mating ceremony that your company sponsors every year. Or you had to do the dishes, clean the house, do the laundry and somehow still find time to sell drugs on the corner. The new week is upon us, complete with rain-that-won’t-let-you-get-out-of-bed and traffic-that’ll-teach-you-a few-new-curse-words.


I give you good deal. 2 panadol, 1 dollar

In today’s informative, life-changing massacres, I attempt to give guys tips on how to deal with a situation we always find ourselves in; how to impress a hot girl when you get to a restaurant. Julius Ceaser did it, Charlie Sheen did it, heck, even Museveni did it.  You too can do it. These tips have been tailored to keep in mind the pressing global financial situation. Special thanks to Jason for his insights into this area. Developing this manual may have hit a number of hitches without his insights.

First things first, when you walk into the restaurant, hot girl sauntering behind, take a quick look around and chose where the two of you will place your behinds during the course of your stay at the restaurant. Don’t sit too close to the toilets, for obvious reasons; do not sit too close to the exit, you’ll look like you want to leave without paying the bill; do not sit too close to that airy, spacious balcony, flying squirrels will land in  your food; do not sit near other people, they may stretch and talk to hot girl. They may also want to taste your food. Do not sit near the counter, the waiter will stand next to your table the entire time, so all the two of you will have for a view will be his general groin area. Do not sit near the pool table, the guys playing will stick it to hot girl before you do. Not in the way you had in mind, but still. Sit anywhere else that I have not mentioned.

When the pleasant waitress ambles over to wherever you choose to sit, probably somewhere near the potted plants, she’ll smile profusely and ask “What would you like to have?”

Look up at her and say “I’d like to have joy, peace, superhuman strength and that laser vision thingi that allows Superman to look through buildings and under other things. Hehe. Other things”

If she doesn’t get it, leave the restaurant. If she does, she’ll muffle a giggle and re-phrase her question, “What, from our colorful menu, would you like to have?”

Here, the correct answer is “We’ll have chips, chicken, goat meat (pronounced ‘ghost meat’ by some), kebabs, liver, toothpicks, tomato sauce and chilli”

By this time hot girl ought to be impressed by your vast knowledge of restaurant menus, your dark sense of humor, your knowledge of the geography of restaurants, your cologne and the way you say the word ‘procrastinate’.

As the waitress starts to skip away, singing a Westlife song with every step, call her back and say “Now, from my order, where I said goat meat, replace that with chips. And even where I said kebab, replace that with chips. And where I said liver, replace that with nothing.”

When your order of 3 sets of fries arrives, give the waitress a bad eye. Say something to the effect that it is not what you ordered at first. But “to add color to our meal, please bring us chapatti bolognaise. Or rolrex casadilla. “

If she says  that they do not have those classy foods you’ve just mentioned, turn to hot girl and tell her how you really love rolrex cassdilla. That it is what you grew up on in Italy.

“In Ontario, Italy, that is all we eat. Everywhere you go, someone is eating it.”

By this time hot girl ought to have given you so many props, you are ready to start an acting career.

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