Ugandans have been embroiled in whining over the high prices of everything and how this has led to severe nationwide brokeness but no one has really taken time to think about the distress of the rich during this trying time; those of Kutesa, Museveni, Sudhir, Sharon O in a few days, and me when I send her a friend request and start poking her on Facebook.
The rich are in so much suffering that sometimes I wonder why the U.N. has still failed to do something about it. They are human too, for God’s sakes! You think the poor need food to eat? Try waking up to a breakfast with no toasted bread and scrambled eggs. Let me take you through the average day of a suffering rich guy, the poor bastard bambi.
He was supposed to wake up at six but the curtains failed to open because the maid supposed to open them failed to hear her alarm. She failed to hear her alarm because the SONY batteries wore out and she was afraid of using the less expensive Tigerhead because they told her filthy people who lived outside State House also used them. Eew!
After a lousy breakfast of just a sandwich, some miserable salads and coffee, he is picked up in an SLR McLaren Mercedes-Benz. A damn Mercedes! The driver tells him it consumes less fuel than the new 2.2-litre turbo diesel Range Rover Evoque.
He hangs up the phone with so much frustration after his best friend Themba Khumalo tells him that sorry but they are switching him to prepaid with only 2M shillings worth of airtime every month coz they are not sure he can handle postpaid anymore. Earlier, his former classmate Philippe Luxcey had called to tell him he was taking away the iPad2 and giving him the iPhone4 just to limit his internet expenses. Why, Lord? Whhhhyyyyyy?
He receives another call telling him some of his people from Eastern Ugandan are starving to death. Please! As if he didn’t have his own problems. What was he supposed to say about the stupid pizza and soda in front of him? He wanted the French artichoke and black truffle soup, served with a layered brioche with mushrooms and truffle butter but the goddamn fool had instead brought him this crap. Soda? How was he supposed to live like this?
What plane is this? I just bought two jets like recently. What the hell is this? Boeing? Who the hell is…where are my jets? What do you mean fuel? Jesus Christ this economy! Sometimes I feel like just packing my bags and going back home. Call Mutebile and ask for fuel. Give him this yellow shirt and tell him I sent you.
He comes home and notices the lights at the bottom of the swimming pool are off. One of the servants explains that since no one was swimming and it wasn’t dark yet, they thought they would switch them off and save electricity because the country didn’t have a sufficient supply. Gasp! A swimming pool without light? At four o’clock? He fires the servant.
His DSTV has been disconnected. He flips through the available channels: UBC, WBS, NBS, NTV…His eyes widen in disbelief. This is what poor people watch? Realising just how badly the economy is collapsing, he falls to his knees and asks God to please save this country from free channels, pizza and other things that are causing misery in these trying moments.