Every so often, the police get tired of sitting around eating simsim balls and listening to Kenny Rogers. Whenever this happens, they call Milton, the guy who keeps the company breathalyzers under lock and key, and they tell him to bring them out. They then stand by the road leading to your home to test your breath away. Now if you are very patriotic and you know that the rising fuel prices and crazy dollar rate have made life hard for many Ugandans, the patriot in you will usually go to the bar to redistribute resources. Whenever there, you will order more and more beer, doing your part in trying to stabilize the economy. When done with serving the nation, you’ll feel the urge to drive home. You may run into aforementioned policemen.
They will flag down your car. It is not over till the fat lady burps. And when the police flag you down, she hasn’t burped. There are several ways to beat the impending breathalyzer test.
- Get out of your car, rip off your shirt while screaming in Alcogo, that international language spoken by all people who’ve taken a certain amount of alcohol.
The screaming should disorient the popo. They are used to listening to Kenny Rogers and Peter Cetera. Screaming is not something they listen to a lot. That statement also confirms that the police do not listen to rock.
When you’ve used all the Alcogo words you know and your shirt is in shreds, get back into your car and speed off, leaving behind a confused police force. They will not follow you if you followed this tip to the letter.
- You may have noticed that tip one was for guys. If you are a girl and already tried it, please post the results here. But if revealing your Victoria Secrets like that fwa, to the police doesn’t sound exciting, here’s the tip for you. When flagged down, slow to a stop and take a few seconds to whip all the contents of your Gabana purse onto your face. Roll down your window. Lean out. Watch the policeman approach. Say, “Praise the Lord brother Okello. I am going to an overnight at St. Percy’s Anointed Re-evangelical Kingdom Siesta (SPARKS). The wine on my breath is altar wine. Or alter wine. Because it alters your state of mind. The epiphany it brings is like no other. The old you is gone, the new you is charged, fire-breathing and willing to tell all about the wonderful world we live in. Please join me brother.” You could say these things while leaning close to him, whispering into his ear, breaking your heavy breathing to nibble lightly on said ear…or you could stay seated, back upright and say the stuff like a news reader straining her eyes to see the teleprompter.
- There’s the other option of stopping when flagged down and joining the queue to the breathalyzer. When it’s your turn, bite down hard on the thing and blow real fast, in rapid spurts. This is hard to illustrate by me sitting here at my keyboard typing. I’d need a YouTube video. But for purposes of illustration, when it’s your turn to do the breathalyzer test, imagine you are Eminem rapping but instead of letting out well-strung angry words, just blow air real fast, in rapid spurts into the test device. This technique will confuse the device and it will declare you sober. If this fails, you are going to jail to be molested. So don’t fail.
I don’t condone lying…so only use this phrase if you are indeed going to a club called SPARKS and you are going to take copious amount of alcohol, or alter wine if you will.