Top Ten: Ways to Get Laid

By • Jul 15th, 2011 • Category: Columns, Top 10

Getting laid is not all that hard. I do not say this because I am some smooth Casanova who has so much sex flung at him he has been keeping some in the fridge ever since his lecherous boy-touching nanny taught him when he was twelve that sex goes bad when you keep it in the open for more than two hours.

Movie Nite: A casual affair, with some friends. Here is our Casanova, ever the Perfect Host:
CASANOVA: Guys, guys, there is a pizza in the oven, some crisps in the kitchen and enough cans of Diet Sex! in the fridge to go round. Lets watch this movie, LETS DO THIS!

No, I am not that guy, I haven’t gotten laid in so long that the next time I have sex; the surprised female (God help her) is going to be shocked to discover  flour in the condom.

Courtroom: angry faced sexual partner doubles as Judge. Guilt faced me stands mournfully in the dock
JUDGE: Does this belong to you by any chance? Please answer the question.

Exhibit A: Fossilized Sperm

ME: Shifty look

That is where things stand. As such therefore, I would not advise you to take these following tips too seriously.

Presenting; the top ten ways to get laid.

Part 1: Gents

1- Begging. Debase yourself, make a spectacle of yourself. Stand outside the Makerere Campus gate with your large liquid eyes, paw outstretched and tail a-wag, running up to any chick who walks past and saying in your most ingratiating tone, : Mummy mpako ku ka sex.

2- Money: End of month correct? Fat NGO salary in pocket? Perfect! Go sit at the bar and wait. First hot Ugandan chick that walks up to the bar, slide a fat wad of expatriate cash in front of her and drop one eighty year old eyelid in a dusty wink.

3- Lies: Approach naïve, self conscious but severely repressed young filly. Wear your Cocky but Knowing face. (It is advisable to have several of these Instant-Dry, Ready -to-Wear faces lying handy in your brightly sequined man satchel.) Now tell her you are the last living descendant of the great king Midas and your dick is going to turn her vagina to solid gold.

4- Persistence: Find one sure-fire-can’t-go-wrong sentence that clearly but simply summarizes your intentions. Something like: I am highly desirous of having coital relations with you and I am prepared to be creepy about it. (That’s the one I use anyway). Now buy a lot of airtime and text this to her every thirty minutes. Time will do the rest.

5- Romance: Go to the supermarket. Buy a dozen long stemmed white roses, five scented candles, a dinner, and a beautiful card with mutimas on the cover. Also buy two hours of conversation, a boat ride and a shooting star.

Preparation:
• Go home
• Pour into a blender (Peel if appropriate or cut up into small pieces)
• Wait till smooth.
• Pour into a jug.
• Pour contents over her nice and glossy head
• Pull your dick out and shout, MPA SEX!!

Part 2: Ladies

6- Lashes. If centuries of literature are to go buy, there is a direct ratio between the frequency, speed, and force of your eyelash batting muscles and the extent to which you get laid. I happen to believe this. There is a girl I know who can lay any guy. She has so much restless come-hithery in the upper part of her face that when she sometimes forgets to control it her eyelids just turn into butterflies and fly off.

7- hmmmm, I have oba dried up? I don’t know that much about chicks do I?

Back to the Gents

8- Looks. Go rough and rugged, especially if you want the white chicks. I should say especially when you want the white chicks. They do love that raw Shaka Zulu/Murusura/African Native look don’t they? Oooh yeah. So get the look. Then go to Iguana on any Friday night and just… exist.

9- Act: chicks love that mysterious, shady shady flavor. Be there nga tebakutegera. As Bobi Wine, the great sage said, Women fear what they don’t know and love what they fear. That’s why they love me. Then he said a bad word. But the point remains. I think I am going to get a mask to make me mysteriouser than even Enygma.

whaddya think?

10- Be marriageable. No comment.

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