Pimping Southern Sudan

By • Jul 13th, 2011 • Category: In The News, Politics

We at ULK cordially welcome Southern Sudan to the independent state flock. We aren’t THAT many so it’s a league to be proud of.  Southern Sudan, think of an independent state like a teenage boy with a jerking off problem. A teenage girl may ask him “Can I help you?” and he’ll say “No! I can do this on my own.”


Hey chill! Am a teenager now. I can do this on my own, you feel me?

The teenage girl in this context could come in the form of big powerful states that own fighter jets and have physically round men in the top offices, like Uganda. Or other big states like America. The teenage girl may also come in form of very affluent states, like those that have so much money they consume about 19 litres of alcohol per capita, again like Uganda. Southern Sudan, Sudi, be like that teenage boy, say to them “No! (Stop hand-movement, raise hand and show them palm, turn face away), I can do this on my own.”

You may notice that we are almost 50 years old. You are just a baby of last week. Here are some more tips for you Sudi on how to make it as an independent state, no charge:

Do not build pot holes. Build roads. People like roads Sudi, people really do. I mean, you’d expect them to love potholes, what with all the utility they present by laying there just. For one, they make for good cover during war. If you’ve watched “The Pothole Story”, which starred our very own Clint Eastword and Cynthia Rothrock, you’d know what I’m saying. Also, they create jobs for mechanics. All this amazing stuff cannot be done by mere roads. But people still want roads. Don’t ask me why.

As much as you can, distribute the national cake. Many times you’ll hear people saying things like “Those people do not spread the national cake at all.” Never let it come to this. Once every month, get a day and bake a big cake with a lot of icing and in extra big easy-to-read font, write on it “Southern Sudan: National cake”. Then have a distribution mechanism to channel pieces of the cake to every homestead. If it were here in  Uganda, the distribution mechanism would be boda bodas with the cake in polythene bags stashed under their armpits so it doesn’t fall as they ride from home to home, spreading the cake spiked with national love. On your side of the border, you’d probably use camels to do the transportation. But I’m no expert on your country.


Yes Sleek! Preach it! We want cake!

Then, Sudi, like the mother said to her teenage daughter, guard your goodies. When slimy hands start to feel you up, tell them “Stop! Mummy taught me better!” Or you could come up with a phrase of your own. Make sure you use at least two of the following words in your phrase: Stop, Sovereignty, Beyonce and Forsake. Goodies can be things like oil, oil and ahhhh, yes even oil. Then people are also a goodie. If you have all your youth, or as my Patois-speaking friend will put it, ‘ol dem yout’ leaving home to go outside countries, your goodies are going. Address that problem.

Another thing Sudi, know yourself well.  Know your geography. Know how far you stretch. This is important because as unlikely as it may be now, one day your neighbour can come and say “Look Sudi, that veranda belongs to me.” The veranda may indeed belong to your neighbour. Or not. But you’ll begin to squabble over it.

At the risk of giving you too much to remember, I’l tell you this secret; Chose friends carefully. Some buddies just want your goodies without giving you anything. Others will take your goodies but will give you some stuff. Then others Sudi, others will be that cool buddy you always want to impress. You’ll even go to the extent of sending some of your people to go fight some wars just to impress cool buddy.  Look at it like that cool kid at school everyone’s trying to impress. He doesn’t know your name, but there you are doing back-flips and all kinds of gymnastics to get his attention.

These are just few of the very many tips I can give. But you are only a child, you can only take so much.  Chew on that for now. You may notice that we are a very accomplished state, and it is from this lofty place, a high horse if you may, that I can look down and pass on a few tips, breadcrumbs from the heaving table so to speak.


Liking this article is what happens to cool people