The Trick To Loving Office Meetings

By • Jul 12th, 2011 • Category: WTH

Early morning meetings are  one of the most lethal workplace hazards human office drones have to contend with in the ongoing process of slow death they call their “lives”.

At my other office, not this one which has cool ones, we had one this morning.

There was a very important issue to discuss. Very important. Very very important. It was about (redacted because I don’t think you have the clearance to read about the company’s issues).

As we stewed in that room, in which dozens of us were crammed and, may I add, crammed during a time when the building’s AC is not working and the issue of how to open the windows of this ultramodern office complex is not yet important enough to warrant a meeting of its own, we listened to an array of managers explain how the rest of us are really screwing the company over with our laziness and how if we don’t style up, God help the bosses they will (redacted) all our asses.

Of course they didn’t say it in those words. That would have been much briefer. And you know what “brief  meeting” is? It’s an oxymoron, okay? Write that down.

One of the most impressive presentations was given by a manager we will call Sam. Sam had a lot to say about how our slack-jawed incompetence was costing the company a lot of money. Of course he didn’t use any of those words.

One of the words he DID use, as he explained the way the product was made in the factory — or the way the product WOULD be made if we weren’t such a bunch of useless monkeyfarts who never met a minute we couldn’t waste — one of the words he did use was “inserting.”
“Inserting”.

 

I found myself giggling like a P7 kid.

Cue that harp and violins and chimes music that movies use to indicate that an epiphany has been achieved.

 

They say every day is a learning experience, and that day I learnt a very important lesson. That lesson is that meetings can be fun if you decide to take every innocent thing the manager says and try to turn it into a filthy sexual innuendo. For example, Sam said the following:

“From the inner downward parts”

“So now we are entering where Lwanga comes in”And

” We use the same machines”

I have not had so much fun in a meeting ever in my life.

 

This revolutionary new process, which I call “Reading Between The Lines” (and if you are really good at it, you will be lolling at the word “between” because, after all, “between” can be a dirty word, also works in many other situations. For example, have you ever been stuck in a social situation with a boring, bald man with breath and a accent who can’t speak of anything except cars? Does this torture endure because it would not be polite to just say, “Shushit Bore-ack Obama” and then stomp off? Probably because he’s your date? Well, here you go.

 

“I don’t like small cars…um… they are too tight… um… it is not easy for me to fit in them… um… with my big stomach how do I enter a small car?… Um… that is why I like big cars.”

Are you giggling? Are you giggling or are you mature? Grow down. In fact, you should even start asking questions like, “So, if it’s tight, why not try entering through the back door?” Or, “It might be a tight fit, but once you get inside, you can really drive them hard and fast.”

I suspect that women already know this trick, and that is how they manage to laugh at bad jokes.

 

 

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