Coming Up Next on The Hostel: Kill Bill Wirefight

By • Jul 8th, 2011 • Category: WTH

The Hostel, a study in geometry. Full of triangles. Love ones.

The latest of concern involves Alma, the middle-aged gentleman for whom a student’s hostel is a poontang supermarket. He has money, so he bounces down to New Age (and, I presume, a few other hostels in the region, because shya, which slut sluts with only one person?) and he waves it around until something bites.

I missed the episode where Patra actually got her jaw loose, gaped her maw and clamped her big-ass teeth onto Alma’s bait, but she did and now he calls her his “American Girl” in his heavy-lipped Gandy accent.

Now, I know. Lukoma is fly but she’s got big teeth. A person can be a fly person and still have big teeth. If she bites you you will see bachwezi. I don’t even know what seeing bachwezi means, but I am sure if she bites a person that’s what happens. If you want to know what bachwezi look like, ask a person who has been bitten by Lukoma.

The third axis of this triangle arrived in last night’s episode. It was Alma’s wife, here to conscript Hope as a spy to find out just which scheming little gold-diggin skank it was that was consuming those of Alma’s money and bodily juices that were rightfully hers.

Hope knew who it was but did not snitch, not even after the eighty K was put down as a down payment.

But she was worth some of the money, because she went upstairs to warn Patra to sleep with at least one eye open.

Yes, Hope threatened Patra. I am paraphrasing, but it went something like this: “If you don’t leave my uncle alone I will push this broom in your mouth. And I shall turn and twist it down your esophagus and split the fibres in your throat and make you choke to death right before my own eyes. I shall send your soul to the hell for which it is destined and I shall laugh, laugh like a mad woman, as I watch the last breath of your wretched life gurgle out. And then I shall make treacle with your blood and spread it on a bun with blue band and eat it. Muahahahahahahah! Watch your back, bitch.”

A while ago I emailed the producers of this show to request for a wire-fighting scene, and they have not yet responded to say they will not do it, so I hold on to the hope that any time now we are going to see a kung fu fight. This might be it. I think one of the coming episodes, Hope and Patra will throw down and Patra will show us her ninja skills, the ones she learnt on holiday in Zanzibar.

It's not the worst photoshop you've ever seen, quit hating.




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