Old News: Roadkill

By • Jul 5th, 2011 • Category: Columns, Old News

I killed in Self Defense
By Leading Tabloid.

SETTING: Residence of Aronda Nyakairima, Chief of Defense Forces. He is seated on the veranda sipping chai mukalu and eating binyebwa from a saucer. He is reading a newspaper.

AN: kale this chap Golola! I hear he looked at the Uganda flag and the Crested Crane flew away! (Delicately wipes a tear from his eyes)
Enter driver’s wife carrying more binyebwa. Replenishes the saucer. Stands around idling waiting to be noticed. Aronda ignores with determination and vigor. She insists. Just stands there with a mulish look.
He sighs

AN: Permission to speak granted.

Driver’s Wife: Kale let me tell you my husband killed those people yes but they were only two. As a long serving cadre and friend of the NRM serving diligently in his road block evasion and traffic jam causing capacities at least can’t they pretend that he didn’t kill? Really boss, they were just two!!

AN: First of all, breathe.
She breathes

AN: Now Beatrice, this is your fault. Is it not?
She nods sullenly

AN: I warned you about beating your husband like that, did I not?
She nods again

AN: You used to beat your husband, one of the most aggressive, most fearless traffic weavers we have in the force, but you used to beat him. You also used to add yeast to his porridge so that the gas would make him fart. Then you would beat him for farting. Remember?
Nods

AN: Frustrations Beatrice, frustrations. Ever heard of misplaced aggression?
Nods

AN: Good. (Hands her the saucer) more binyebwa please, I need my Vitamin Z. And stop that confounded nodding, you look like a monitor lizard.

Drivers Wife: Boss if you want Vitamin Z you can just go to Jajja Millicentinho the Fourth, he gives two erections for the price of one but the offer lasts only until 13th.

AN: What in God’s name is a Jajja Millicentinho? And what happened to the first three?

Drivers Wife: Aphrodisiac overdose.

AN: Eh! Beatrice, don’t you know that there are people reading this article? Do you want people to think that I have those problems of weak men? Wama dear ULK readers, those are not the vitamins I mean. Now the article is about to end but before it does; don’t forget to go for Youth Fest8th to 9th July at Kololo Airstrip. Before its Old news.

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