12 Step Guide: How To Hang at Sean Kingston

By • Jul 5th, 2011 • Category: Columns, How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

The 12-step Guide to Success in Absolutely Everything is taking a turn. We are, for once, not going to joke around and fall off on tangents. We are going to give you solid, reliable, logical, intelligent advice for real.

Kyeekyo!

 

  1. Learn the songs. It is infuriating when the sweaty, spastic, vodka-soaked B.O. dispenser next to you in the crowd insists on chanting the wrong lyrics. If you sing “Batty-batty-batty love love” you will cause and suffer from a stampede.
  2. Kingston himself will leap from the stage to suplex you if you sing wrong things. If you don’t know what a suplex is because you only watch Worship on Channel 44 and not WWE is on, please click on this link and get edified.

    A German Suplex

  3. If you are the aforementioned sweaty, spastic etc (and you will be. There is no soap that exists that enables Ugandans to stay smelling normal when in concert kayoola sections) then you must not care. At some point in the show you will be instructed to wave your hands up in the air. You will wonder, “How should I wave said hands? What format? What methodology?” Refer to above. Wave them like you just don’t care.
  4. If someone next to you sings “Kyeeeeekyo!” During Face Drop, stampede and suplex. Memba dat.
  5. If you are a girl, check your figure. If your ass is bangin’, wear the appropriate clothing.  The dollar rate is rising, hemlines should follow suit. Kampala has mob beautiful girls. Let’s see if we can make him suicidal.
  6. If you are one of the lucky people (press, showbiz professional, showbiz professional’s entourage, Club employee, groupie etc) who have backstage access and you see him, you must shout “Ayo Sean, You Mista Kingston!” at him. He may not answer, by the way. He might think you are calling somebody else because did you know that Sean Kingston is not his real name? The 21-year-old artist was actually born as Kisean Anderson. Say “Gwe ki-Sean!” He won’t get the joke, though.
  7. If you see a stern-looking woman sitting on the side of the stage looking at her watch, don’t worry. She’s not lost and she’s not here for you. She’s dude’s mother. You see, Sean Kingston  is very young. He was born in 1990, so that makes him, unless the mathematics I learned from Mrs Wambuzi is faulty, exactly 14 years old.
  8. Be friendly and hospitable to his team, the people who came with him. They probably know very little about Uganda, and the little they know they got from TV, youtube, Urban Legend and the poisonous propaganda dispersed by the enemies of the Movement abroad etc, so it is up to us to show them what Uganda is really about. I suggest that you take them to historic sites and landmarks. Like the place where the truck overturned in the Full Full Condition video.
  9. There is a chap who looks just like Sean Kingston in Aga Khan High. His name is Alex Omonya. He is going to try to get in for free. Alert the authorities.
  10. At some point you will be asked, “Yaganda, how y’all feelin’? Ya feelin alright?” or “Kimparlough, how y’all feelin? Ya feelin alright?” Just say you are feeling fine and cheer. Don’t give us a blog post about your emotional history. We don’t have time.
  11. Tweet and post facebook updates. It is very important.
  12. At the end of it all, tell your boda to move at a reasonable speed. And if you have been drinking too much, oba just park and you go home in the morning. It’s a very stupid think to drive drunk.

 

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