The Urban Legend How To Guide: 12 Step Guide To Success. How To Fill Sudoku

By • Jun 28th, 2011 • Category: Columns, How To: The Step-By-Step Guide

Sudoku is a sign of intelligence and filing in a sudocku puzzle is a way of showing that you have real brains and not a mix of fine porridge, gravy and fat in there. If you wish to have the respect and admiration of your peers, if you want their love and if you crave the sex of some of them, then you should learn Sudoku. Here is how.


  1. Understand what Sudoku is. This is going to be easy.  I can tell you. It’s a mathematical, or rather, a numerical puzzle where people fill in numbers that are missing from a grid. Sudoku grids are avaialable on the internet and in some local newspapers.
  2. Pick a level of difficultly. The levels include: beginners, easy, intermediate and advanced. Each level will go some way in achieving your goal of using Sudoku to look intelligent and  impress  the girls in your hostel, class, office, bible study or cell block. (It may also help girls try to impress guys. Some guys are attracted to smart women. I swear. There are such guys out there. I am not lying. I was told that there are such guys out there.
  3. Don’t chose beginner. Chosing beginner actually makes people think you are dumb. Even if they themselves are not able to do even a quarter of that Sudoku for Babies puzzle you are halfway through, if they see the word “beginner” they will snort with scorn and label you an idiot.  Why? Cos haters gon hate, that’s why. Go straight for advanced.
  4. Get yourself a basic education. I am sure you are functionally illiterate, but you need more than that. You need numeracy as well. You could enroll in a school if you like. It’s free these days. (NRM oyee, I think.) Enroll for a UPE course.
  5. You don’t have to pay attention to all the lessons. During Science, SST and English, you can spend that time reading Urban Legend on your tablet PC, but pay attention during maths.

    sexy, huh?

  6. Get bored. It’s math class. Yawn.
  7. Download a Sudoku puzzle from the internet. You can get a Sudoku app for your tablet PC from the apple market or from the Android market. But if you don’t want to be that awesome, you can just buy a newspaper and find a Sudoku puzzle in it.
  8. Attempt to fill it in correctly.
  9. Say fukkit and just put in random numbers. I mean, seriously, this stuff is hard. It’s not easy. As in it’s hard!
  10. You need to understand your surroundings. Are there many people in the area who don’t  know Sudoku? If there are, then just leave the filled-in puzzle lying around for them to see and think that eh banange you are a clever person who does not leave blank spaces in Sudoku. Some of them might decide to sleep with you, and that will be nice. At the very least, they will be impressed by the tablet.

    Oooh, yeah.

  11. There are some people who will notice that the puzzle has not been filled in correctly. Some might notice that “W” is not a number, for example. Say, “She is getting uncomfortably close to the truth. We must silence her before she knows too much.” Say this either to your sidekick or to your dark alter ego. Make sure you dispose of the body quietly.
  12. There is a corner of Nkulambiro that is very seedy. I don’t mean to abet any crimes, but a random dead body dumped in a gutter there will not raise suspicion. I’m just saying…


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