Make laugh not war

OLD News: The Prefectorate

By • Jun 28th, 2011 • Category: Columns, Old News

I have a Hole… By Leading Tabloid

<SETTING: Office of the Head-boy. Enter teary-eyed girl>

Head-Boy: Eh! Spesh! What are you doing here? And what is that you are wearing?

Teary-Eyes: It’s the… it’s the…

Head-Boy: Is it the sack? How come? Who did this to you?

Teary-Eyes: That ka new prefect of yours is bisturbing me. Now all the other pupils are going to laugh at me that I am wearing the sack. (Wails. Tears fly like confetti)

Head-Boy: (Righteously outraged) What did she say you did?

Teary-Eyes: She said thatiee thatee, I was being doing bad manners and thatee, thatee I stole. Me! A whole me! A former Head girl!

Head-Boy: That what did you steal?

Teary-Eyes: I hear two billion. But I swear I didn’t steal it. That girl is just jealous of my romantic eyes. Just because she is a prefect now she wants to pose on me? Tshaaa! Tell her I went to Harvard. Tell her you are the only one who can make me wear a sack. Me how can you say I stolen? I have never stolen.
(Headboy makes non committal grunt. Reaches for a Haco ruler and starts rubbing them against his fore-arms)

Teary-Eyes: (Arms akimbo. A formidable sight)Anha! What are you going to do?

Head-Boy: (After a heavy pause) Thoz are yowaz.
(Starts humming. Runs out suddenly)

Teary-Eyes: (shocked) Kyoka this boy can be bold!


(Enter Minister for Disciplinary Affairs)

MDA: Eh Spesh! (He stands in the doorway looking awkward. Spesh is kwe-molling.)

Teary-Eyes: Hi John.

MDA: (gruffly) Maria is looking for you; they want you in the staffroom. Where did you put the 2 billion?

Teary-Eyes: Naawe John! Of course I put it in my hole! Didn’t you know that I have a hole!

MDA: True. In fact I shall use my thing to get there.


(Enter former deputy Head-boy. Cheers and applause from the audience. He is a well known and much loved actor on this stage.)

GB: Eh Spesh! why are you wearing the sack! they caught you doing bad manners? Anyway,  I have a nice piece of Mahogany I found in the playground. Those guys in the staffroom may say I stole it. Spesh, Can I keep my Mahogany in your hole?

Teary-Eyes: Err… Err… I don’t know if there is space.

GB: But I was near the kitchens and Kamulali said you have a mega hole. What are you keeping in there, a valley dam or something?

Teary-Eyes: (snorting) don’t tell me those things of valley dam. That’s old news by now.

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