Forget the measurement of Ugandanness by the foolish blushing at the mention of a natural disaster. Most Ugandans can now say tsunami with a straight face. Don’t even mention measurement of Ugandanness by poor time management. No, that is so 2006. We are now past those things.
There is a new standard of measure. Yes, to truly qualify as one of us, one from the gifted land, there are thingies that you must adhere to, thingies you must know how to do. Or we’ll pull a Trump and ask for your birth certificate. You just might be tying on us.
Uglish has been revised. With dire consequences. New generation speaking and writing requires that you acquire a lisp (or is it lithp?) or something close to it. Pretty is now, pwetty, have is haf, sorry is sowi…or sawri for the upmarket Ugandans who even believe they are Ugandan only by accident. So instead of “I am sorry, but I don’t have his number”, it’s “I’m sowi babes, I don haf his numba”. WTH is all this free education turning you children into?
“Hi y’all tweeps, Bebe Cool just drove his Baffudde into Steak-Out. #Iamscaredtolosemyformerlyhotcar’slightstokampalalumpens.” All the cool kids are doing it. The hash tag has replaced KB. Tweeps is new for gangos. If you cannot tweet, if you have no idea what the trending topic is, you are dangerously close to being pushed over. To Tanzania. Why Tz? Like….DUH!!!
3. Wibble Wobble
And not just the girls. The guys can now do a mean bend over. And with the right incentive, a lap dance. 2011 Ugandans must now be able to drop it like it’s hot without looking silly. How? I also don’t know. But I can do it. Theyafowa, so can you.
4. Darkness reloaded
If you have not mastered the art of holding a candlestick in one hand while desperately trying to make sure the stew on your sigiri remains in the pan with the other hand, your national identity is questionable. At least they let us have enough power to cook our meals before. Now you have wax spilling on your hands, staining your precious landlord’s tiles and meals that smell of wood and taste like they have no business being in your kitchen in the first place. Ladies and gentlemen, if you have not learnt that you must iron all your week’s clothes over the weekend, and are part of the breed that wears jeans topped with wash & wear top attires on a Tuesday morning, you need to buy a generator. Or power inverter. You’re just not one of us.
5. Some things never change: Alcohol
I have been accused of not being patriotic because I didn’t make those endless voting lines for yet again, the same results. But I beg to differ. I love Uganda. The amount of poisonous substances I have taken since my discovery of UG and its allures is, well, patriotic. We are on record for our drinking habits. And because you love your country, you MUST be able to knock back those bottles. Because we’re a cowardly lot that will not step up for the real issues. Manliness and patriotism now depend on one’s ability to burn out their liver. And since we don’t do body organ donation, that shouldn’t be a problem. Take one for your country.