TOP TEN: Losing the Plot… the Kitchen

By • Jun 24th, 2011 • Category: Columns, Top 10

Sometimes, you go through life as happy-go-lucky as a fly on a honey jar. Then you realize that the honey is stiffening and you are trapped. You come home one day, enter your kitchen and the sight that meets you is so mind boggling all you can do is make this retarded ass face.

 

Welcome and many Happy Felicitations you cretin, you have just lost the plot

 

If you are a bachelor, losing the plot where your kitchen is concerned is not difficult, it is frighteningly easy. One day you just come home and find your kitchen has committed suicide.

I have taken it upon myself to throw down a few pointers. This is friendly advice. Presenting the top ten ways you know its time to do something about your fshnucking kitchen.

1- The dishes
Now tell me you filthy motherfrucker, did you think they were going to wash themselves? Did you think that scraping off last weeks dried spaghetti with your fingernails qualifies? Look at him sniffing them. Like socks. This punk would rather go and buy new plates than wash the ones he has. The punk is actually throwing them in the bin. What the hell are you doing, go wash the things, you are losing the plot.

2- The bin
Take the trash out Brainless. Pretending you don’t see the rubbish, just because it is growing hair. You think you have a pet now huh? You think you have a small furry mammal squatting under your sink? That’s no pet. That is Darwinism. Take out the frucking trash, you are losing the plot.

3- The sink
There is a shoe in the sink. Now tell me.

4- The visitors.
Every time your landlady comes into your kitchen she first makes the sign of the cross. Well, she isn’t that religious and you know it. You want to know why she crosses herself? You want to know why there is terror in her eyes? Ok. I will tell you. It is because Satan himself lives in your kitchen. That is why.

5- The furnishings
Now what is a bong doing in your kitchen? Hmmm? Honestly, give me one good reason why there is a bic pen tube and a shriveled pineapple stuck together with masking tape in your kitchen. Goddamnit you fcuking retard, the reason I brought your attention to it was so that you could remove the motherflaker, not eat it. I swear this guy! Alright go ahead, eat the bong. Christ, and I hope you get tapeworm.

6- The smell.
This is not even funny. Your kitchen walls used to be blue, now they are grey. You are bleaching the walls with stink dumbnuts! Don’t pretend everything is hunk- dory just because your nose stopped working a month ago. There must be a reason why the skin on your face is peeling. You aren’t doing research for the Chemical Department of the military, do something, you are losing the plot.

7- The pests.
Cockroach puke. How bad does it have to be for cockroaches to puke? You are something else you know that? You know people can’t even bewitch you now? Even evil spirits are afraid of coming near your kitchen.

8- The food.
This is how low you have fallen? This is where things have reached? You are raiding the mouse trap for food now? Congratulations.

9- The nightmares
I am not saying that dreams are bad, or that they are good. No one needs believe in dreams, they are just dreams, but if in your sleep you hear voices coming out of the taps, wailing voices, maybe you need to pay some fekking attention and go pay your fekking water bill you Idjit.

10- The appliances
No. I do not think wrapping grasshoppers in newspaper and ironing them  counts as cooking. No it doesn’t.  Say what you want.  I am done here. I can’t take this.

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