Big Brother Amplified, an Slightly Innacurate Recap

By • Jun 23rd, 2011 • Category: BBA, Seasonal

The Diary Sessions have been very tense for Bhoke, especially since Wasake left. Big Brother has shown a lot of patience to the troubled Djiboutian housemate, to his credit, but it seemed this patience was wearing thin when she was called in following Tuesday’s session of heavy green projective vomiting.


An artist's rendering

BB: Big Brother would like to know why you are puking on his furniture, Boke.

Bhoke: (Pukes again.)

BB: Big Brother would also like to know why you are puking on his camera.

Bhoke: But why is this an issue with me, sir? Everybody in this house pukes.

BB: They usually puke in the evening, after hoovering down half the hard liquor in Johannesburg. You have been puking in the morning. It’s out of schedule. Big Brother is concerned.”

Bhoke: Pukes again.


Cut to rest of the house.


BB: Big Brother would like to call Nalukenge to the Diary Room

Lucklay: We don’t know where she is.

Confidence: We live with her but she’s so invisible some of us never know where she is.

Lucklay: Wasn’t that chick evicted like two weeks ago?

Confidence: No, she’s still around. I think. I saw her shadow the other day.


Hanni waddles in. In this version of Big Brother, she has duck-feet.


Hanni: Hi guys. I need to take a dump but the toilet door is locked. I think there is someone hiding in there.

BB: Hannington…

Hanni: No, it’s Not Ngton. Just Hanni. Hannington was in the other year.

BB: My bad. Honey, sweetie, sugar, do you think the person hiding in the bathrooms could be Housemate Sharon O, aka Nalukenge?

Hanni: Who is Sharon O aka Nalukenge? Never heard of her.

BBr: She lives with  you.

Hanni: Describe her a bit.

BB: Hot. Nice legs. Wears a red jumpsuit with sharp pointy things on the shoulders.

Hanni: Oh. I thought that was like a mannequin that was part of the decoration.

Lucklay: I think Bhoke puked on her this morning.

BB: I wanted to ask her to bring a bucket to the diary room, so she can get some camera time. Oh. I forgot that I don’t use personal pronouns. I mean, Big  Brother wanted to ask her to bring a bucket to the diary room.


In walks Vina. Vina’s eyes are so far apart that if she tries to look sideways she can see what is behind her.

BBr: Vina, have you seen Nalukenge?

Vina: With these eyes? Of course. These mutant eyeballs of mine see everything. I even know what Big Brother looks like. By the way, Big Brother. I was watching you shower this morning. Now I know why they call you “big” brother. Vina likey.

BB: We shall discuss that further in a private diary session if you know what Big Brother is sayin. Wink wink. But for now, Big Brother really needs a bucket. Bhoke is in the diary room spewing chunks of puke all over the red chair.

Lucklay: She’s been throwing up all over the place every morning since that bastard $%^$&$%!! Left.

BBr: Big Brother will not allow such language in the house. It’s against the rules.

Lucklay: You are shitting me. People curse all the fucking time in this house.

BB: Yeah, but you were cursing in lunaAngola or whatever country you are from. It’s got to be English or nothing.

Lucklay: Okay. She has been throwing up all over the place since that slimy bloodstreaked mucusoid discharge from a pulsing-while-simultaneously-leaking genital sore borne of a mutated strain of syphilis left the house.

Confidence: Eh. Hate Wasake Much?

Slowly it begins to dawn on Big Brother what has happened. Wasake left the house, but not all of him left the house. Coming up in Nine Months, Big Brother: The Next Generations starring the kid currently gestating in Bhoke’s belly. Stay tuned to DSTV.





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