Genesis: The African Version

By • Jun 22nd, 2011 • Category: Society, Suburbans

Oba Babatunde

According to the mythic tales told by Ms Nalumansi while in P3A, the real origins of the Earth were right here in our backyard.

Longo time ago, there was only one man who lived on earth with his cow. His name was Kintu. (Pronounced Chintu. Today however, the iPad generation pronounces it with a very strong K, like Rachel Kay, whose songs top the Sanyu FM’s East Africa charts at number 1,789, despite her ballisticness.)

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As Kintu lived alone on earth, like Olara Otunnu, Ggulu, the creator of all things, lived in heaven with his many children and his several properties like the town clerk’s house in heaven’s Nakasero. From time to time, Ggulu’s children would come down to earth to play.

Several games they played included “cabinet re-shuffle”, where if after 8 years you were still VP, you would be crowned with “The Order Of Mahogany”, while the loser would be knighted “Sir Papyrus” for the night, and charged with corruption. Bail would be set at about 5 rupees, equivalent to 50 million shillings today, if the loser was to be allowed back to heaven that night!

 

Guess who won the title of mahogany

One day, Ggulu’s ballistic daughter Nambi, while wondering the plains, encountered Kintu and his cow. She immediately fell for him like a collapsing building on Nasser Road, and vowed to replace his cow as his chow! Despite opposition from her brothers, who did everything in their power to stop this marriage, including walking to heaven and hooting whenever they reached the clouds at 5pm, she insisted on marrying Kintu.

 

She then decided to take Kintu to heaven to meet her daddy, the Creator. Ggulu was not pleased with his daughter marrying a mere human being, and at first opposed it.

Nambi’s stubborn brother from the Forum for Heavenly Change, Walumbe, wasn’t told of the impending nuptials, because they knew how hardheaded he was. Tear gassing or throwing him on the backs of pickups never meant shit! His presence brought sickness, disease and rioters.

 

Who wants a disease?

Blessings awarded, Kintu and Nambi then took the earliest flight back to earth, but on reaching the airport, Nambi realized she had forgotten the millet for her chicken, so she went back and found Walumbe at the national millet reserves taking stock.

“Sis, where are u going?” he barked at her and started following her, not on Twitter, but physically.

Thus when the trio reached earth, Kintu and Nambi started the rest of the world, while Walumbe, in anger, continued his job of spreading jiggers in Busoga, increasing fuel prices and appointing arrogant Prime Ministers!

Pupils, that is the end of our lesson today.

 

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