If you had been at the recent And-1 exhibition game at YMCA, you would have noticed how many Ugandans love basketball, and how much they admired the players, and you may have thought to yourself, “My sense of self-worth is very low. I need the constant approval of strangers in order to feel complete as a person. I want to be considered a star. I should learn to play this game.”
Well, you have come to the right place. It’s the Urban Legend 12-Step Guide to Success in Absolutely Everything. Today, How To Play Basketball.
- You need the right equipment. This means large red balls. Now, I know that joke was very obvious, but I just had to get it out of the way. Don’t sneer, it is there in the constitution of humour writing—you are not allowed to write about sports without attempting a joke about testicles.
- You need palms the size of an ordinary man’s foot. The best way to get large hands is genetically, but if this fails, then you must avoid watching Tom and Jerry. Tom and Jerry will just give you stupid ideas, like making you think if you bang your fist with a hammer it will expand. That does NOT happen in reality (ref: wikipedia) and may actually lead to a great amount of pain instead.
- If you have little girl handlets, don’t play basketball. Go play Ludo with Barbie dolls. (This point applies to men. If you are a woman, ignore it or it will be sexist).
- The good news is that you don’t have to be tall to play basketball. In fact, if you are short, this just makes it harder for the tall players to “guard” you. So the next step is don’t worry about your height.
- Now, you need to know the rules. They include: No travelling, no double-dribble, no backcourt violation, no carrying and if you feel the need for a snack during the game, make sure you first pass the ball to a teammate before you take the box of Nice Biscuits out of your jockstrap.
- Do not offer your teammates biscuits that you had been storing in your jockstrap. Eugh.
- I forgot to mention teammates. In a regulation basketball game, you have to get four other guys to play on your team. You don’t have to pay them, but if you insist, me and three other legends can be convinced.
- The purpose of the game is to “shoot” the basketball into the “hoop”. The basketball is just made of rubber and air, so a small-calibre weapon can do this if your aim is good.
- Women find basketball players very sexy, so deodorize thoroughly before and after each game, so that the sex you have does not make the lady too uncomfortable.
- If you really want to impress the chicks then you should learn how to dunk. Dunking is different from the regular way of scoring. Normal scoring involves throwing the ball and aiming it carefully so that it falls neatly into the little round hoop. In dunking you just go up and put in the ball.
- Shave your armpits.
- Go to America to join an NBA team so that you can become obscenely wealthy from endorsement deals and when that happens, remember that I’m the one who taught you everything you know and send me regular cheques. In dollars. Shilling is depreciating now.