This week, Sharon O is not up for eviction. Eviction is when Big Brother goes to the room you’ve called home for a few weeks, picks up your multi-colored hair piece, the packs of rubbers you carried but never got to use, the inflatable doll you actually used, the lotion too, your hanky, your pliers, the ketchup you want to take back home, throws in a house ladle as a souvenir and then says “Ernest, you have 30 seconds to leave the house”. You’ve used 30 seconds to do lots of things before. So you leave. In the event that you do not leave in 30 seconds, two burly men and one muscular woman walk in and deliver 3 rapid kicks to your groin area. As you groan, they pick you up and drag you outside, where there are no cameras. They then strap you to a chair and stick a headset onto your….duh, head. Then, they play soldier boy. On repeat. Slow. Agonizing. Death. Naturally all housemates know this so they all dash out in the allotted 30 seconds.
So, Sharon O is our last representative in the house, the other one was voted out because he said bad things about big brother’s side job. Ernie, we all recognize BB’s deep baritone in all those Mexican soaps, but none of us talks about it mehn. Hard luck. But this piece is for Sharon. Tips for her. By some futuristic telepathy technology that we at ULK have in our possession, she will get these tips. Tips Sharon. Tips are unlike that game you used to play when you were in diapers. That was tipu. Young lady, the economy needs that money. Our hope is in your soft palms. Tip One (and the only tip covered here):
–verb (used without object)
- to communicate or exchange ideas, information, etc., by speaking
Sharon, you could say:
In Uganda, when the rain rains and there is still sunshine, we say a leopard is giving birth
Vina, me I like your hair. It reminds me of Mr. T. Eh, that guy he was so badass him also him (clap hands once, put one hand on right cheek). He acted in those films of John Rembo.
When I grow up, I will be charity organization. I will be charity to anyone who wants it. Especially street people.
Or for a more sophisticated look:
(Interrupting discussion on foreign aid) I strongly feel the whole aid thing is sham. An ingenious method devised to not only put and maintain spineless tads in power while sucking nations dry but also lodge a dependence mentality among entire generations.
- to consult or confer: Talk with your adviser.
Vina, how do you keep your hair standing on end like that? Do you take steroids? (Reaching out to touch the hair) how do you do it?
- to spread a rumor or tell a confidence; gossip.
Pssst, do you know Vimbai tried to use her hands on me? But I remember my lessons from school. I avoid bad touches.