X-Men is going to be the best movie visible this year. It is going to completely validate your life. You will watch it and know right then exactly why it was a good idea to postpone the commission of your suicide until July. X-Men is going to be the Greatest Movie Ever. Don’t question me on this. Trust me. I saw the trailers.
Okay. I have been wrong about such matters before. It turned out that Drive Angry was a waste of eyes and after that I had to go to facebook and unlike Nicolas Cage. No more Castor Troy, no Cameron Poe, no Memphis Raines. Just crap like Sorcerer’s Apprentice and similar bits of wet tissue paper.
I was also wrong about Thor. And while watching Thor, I kept thinking, “I’m missing Agataliko Nfuufu.”
But for X-Men, I have looked at it from all possible angles and, barring a paradox of Quantum Mechanics, there is no scenario in which this moive can suck…
For those of you who are still waiting to figure out what the rest of us are talking about, here’s the lowdown.
Definition: X-Men is a movie. A movie is when Americans go to Eddisoft videos or to the cinema and do things that look cool, such as shooting laser beams out of their eyes or flying.
Origins: X-Men are mutants. A mutant is what happens when your parents bone each other badly and you are conceived with your genes in an abnormal form. Now, a mutation usually means you are going to have a miserable or at least an uncomfortable life: an extra leg, an eye that develops back to front, a little vestigial penis growing behind your ear, etc. But in America, where these movies are made, mutations make you awesome.
Female X-Men. They are called X-Men, not X-Women, because X-Women is a disturbing word. Like shemale. Shemale is such a bad word that I want someone to offend me right now, just so I can call them a shemale.
Female X-Women have a variety of different powers all of which include wearing skin-tight pants.
Intellectual Stuff: Unlike some superhero movies (I swear, Thor. The shemale who made that movie!) X-Men flicks have things like absorbing dialogue, comprehensive character development and the exploration of greater themes when, for example, the movie plays out as a parable on the issue of racism and discrimination. So you see, these movies include stuff that smart yuppie chicks like. But don’t worry. This won’t compromise the quality of the awesome scenes of flying around kicking ass.
Fight scenes: They are always of the caliber that would make them finalists in the world championship of beating buttocks with boots. To illustrate, I bring you X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Wolverine’s mutant abilities include blades that emerge from his knuckles that he uses to fight. This is the same ability as that of a regular guy like Ivan Musoke holding a jambiya in each hand. But when it’s in an X-Men movie, it looks like a superpower.
I hope this convinces you that you should eat carrots mob so your eyesight is in tip top condition when the movie arrives.