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Monday Massacres: How To Drive In Kampala

By • Jun 13th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

This here is a quick guide on how to drive in Kampala. If you are from those outside countries that only portray this pearl as having lions roaming untamed through the streets, occasionally running wild and biting the random ass on the street, this is to dispel that myth. Lions do not roam our streets. Afandes with bloodshot eyes do. And there are no random asses in the streets. Everything is calm and organized. And cultured. Before dawn. After that, you have to get into your car and go to work. Here’s how to go about it:

  1. If you are a lady (if you are not, there’s really no point in you reading beyond this point. Skip to the next point. I’m going to write in Chic speak, an international code only decipherable by a female brain), girl!, wear shades girl! (Hair twirl). Babe, (finger in the air) shades are important because they make you look like a pirate with two eye patches. And we all know Jack Sparrow is way cool.  And they save your eyes from global warming.
  2. ED: The writer learnt a bit of Chic speak from his young sister. She’s in secondary school. He is still in training

    Sunglasses

    Get these

  3. If you are a guy, wear only a vest whenever in the car. And never ever smile. Not even when you picture Straka doing the moonwalk. Vest. No smile. When used together, these two will ensure that taxi drivers will not dare intimidate you.
  4. There are those squiggly things under the steering wheel that are used to indicate whether you intend to turn left or right. They are called indicators. Never use them. Ever. They were put there for those people of outside countries who feel the need to tell everyone which direction they intend to turn. Using them shows you are a wuss. And there are no wusses in Uganda.
  5. When you see the traffic police, your buttock muscles will clench involuntarily. This is perfectly normal. It is expected. Do not panic. All is well. Do not slow down either. All is not THAT well.

    Uganda Traffic Police

    I can do this all day

  6. 99% of your time on the road, you’ll be in a traffic jam. The other 1% you’ll be parked by the roadside trying to haggle with the traffic police on whether to give them 1k or 2k. Best to prepare for that 99% bit. *statistics from ugandanroadskickass.com
  7. Learn how to do the running man with your fingers. Also, the moonwalk. Running man and moonwalk on the dashboard using our fingers have been proved to be the best pastime for individuals stuck in traffic. Blowing kisses at girl in shades in the car next to you came in close second. Giving boda guy the bad-eye-look that ought to make him fall off his bike came in third.

 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

does the moonwalk during the day