It’s the infamous Urban Legend How-To Guide. Twelve steps to success in pretty much everything there is. You want to know how to do it, Urban Legend and Keko are the ones who know. This week we teach the universe How To Get Dreadlocks.
1. Jah Rastafari!
2. There are two ways of getting dreadlocks in your hair. Pick one of these two ways.
3. One way is to just not do anything. Don’t do anything to your hair. Don’t cut it, don’t wash it, don’t comb it, just leave it alone. It will eventually find itself in a style of dreadlocks. This style of dreadlocks is called “filthy”, and if you are a big fan of lice, it’s going to be perfect for you.
4. However if you plan to move in society without us throwing things at you, you might opt for the other type: hygienic dreadlocks. These are harder to achieve.
5. Take a look at your birth certificate and make sure you are not a male above the age of 36. Getting dreadlocks involves growing your hair profusely, and if you are a male above 36 you are looking at less hair in the near future, not more, so you might want to forget your dreams of dreads. But if you are above 36 you should be used to letting go of your dreams by now.
6. If you are youthful or female (or both) then you can proceed with the next step, which is to grow your hair long. This can be difficult in school or the army or in a strict workplace with a dress code, so you have to take measures to conceal the fact that you are developing a bit of a wild afro. I suggest converting temporarily to a cultic religion which insists that adherents cover their heads at all times. Like Legio Maria. These guys wear full cotton robes and tunics of bright green head to toe. If your teacher objects, remind said teacher that there is no power in the land above the constitution which guarantees you freedom of worship.
7. When you have enough hair, convert back to whatever religion or state of godless heresy you previously enjoyed.
8. Sit down and patiently tease and separate and then twist chunks of the hair into individual locks. Do this regularly and repeatedly and frequently.
9. Affiliate yourself to a local dancehall ragga crew. There are a number to choose from. You could go to Goodlyfe, Leone Island and Firebase if you don’t mind pimping and /or sacrificing live goats to the lake. Or if you want to be where the most magnificent musician of all time is, join Gagamel Entertainment and offer to be one of Bebe Cool’s bootlickers. Bebe Cool is not a smug, arrogant, overgrown infant with anger-control issues and an ego the size of Pandora. Mbu.
10. Learn to react with patience and understanding when every taxi tout and bodaboda you meet expects you to know where the nearest marijuana depot is.
11. You don’t have to smoke marijuana if you don’t want to. That is a stereotype perpetuated by the music industry. Not everyone who has dreadlocks knows where the weed is. In fact, remember when we said join a dancehall crew? We take that back. Don’t pander to the stereotype. Say no to drugs. You hear that, Streets? Stop giving them drugs.
12. However, you should learn a few choice words in Jamaican patois if you are going to have dreadlocks, otherwise it is a waste. Wapgwan Natty Dread, ca you don kno se we a gon bun down Babylan. Jah fire com down. Wikkid. Alla dem righchoss bridren onna Zion train. Byebe Cool him a di mos magnificent musician inna di contry dem. Jah!