It has been reported by the internet rumour mill that rapper, actor and old sex symbol Will Smith is dead. The network of facebook statuses, tweets and email forwards which propagated this story did not, however, state exactly what the cause of this death was, and I am afraid of crosschecking because I might find, as one usually does when one crosschecks internet rumours, that it isn’t true and that Smith still walks among the living still being funny, talented, charismatic and alluring to ladies.
So, before we find out that dude is still with us, let me perpetuate the rumour here by listing the best ways he can have died.
1. The rapper was killed in a drive-by shooting outside popular hip hop radio station Hot 97 by assailants still at large. The killing is suspected to be the work of playa hatas envious of his bling. That is how rappers die.
2. The rapper fell in a friendly fire incident while serving in Afghanistan. “They will pay for this. They will pay with every drop of their blood,” said The Original Aunt Viv, announcing her intention to run for Governor of California.
3. Smith succumbed to severe neck injuries including two bone fractures sustained in trying to emulate his daughter’s “Whip My Hair” dance while forgetting that his muzeeyi ass is 42 years old.
4. The rapper was killed in another drive by shooting in West Philadelphia, where he was born and raised. The suspects are a couple of guys who were up to no good and who, eyewitnesses report, started making trouble in the neighbourhood.
5. Smith committed suicide in response to a letter from his label and the movie company instructing him to perform another Men In Black single to be released in conjunction with the movie MIB3. He pulled the trigger twice when his A&R informed him that the ghostwriter for his next project would be the brother from Hanna Montana.
6. Was raptured.
7. Was last seen in the company of Ugandan rap groupie Bad Black, and so CSI is working with the theory that he succumbed to a fatal dose of crabs.