Monday Massacres: How to be a kick-ass Minister

By • May 30th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

There were shouts of joy in all parts of the country when the full cabinet list was released last week. On the streets of Kampala, people were spontaneously bursting into song, hailing the powers that be by raising their voices in song. Anyone listening could make out such mighty jams as “Macarena”, “Sunda”  and “Run this town”(complete with the non-bleeped out Kanye part).


Ugandan Celeberation

The cabinet list is out!!

Amidst the euphoria, we at ULK have kept a level head and come up with something practical for our new ministers. Since independence, ministers have been served 3 hot samosas with their breakfast. And they have eaten them. In those days, the hot samosas used to be engraved with the court of arms. Rising fuel prices meant this patriotic act had to stop.  That bit of info was put there for free. We present a practical guide on how to be a kick-ass minister.

  1. Have a theme song. It should be played every time you walk into the office. A few that have been popular among your predecessors are:
    1. I’m like a bird- Nelly Furtado
    2. Beautiful- James Blunt
    3. I knew I loved you(before I met you)-Savage Garden
    4. When I see you smile-Uncle Sam
    5. Double bed mazongotto-Doctor Hilderman
  2. You need 3 well-fed, healthy, clean-shaven men in black t-shirts and well-pressed white shorts to follow you around all the time. They are your security outfit. Their job is primarily to walk into a room before you and smell everyone in it. We don’t want you being a victim of those deadly anthrax attacks doing the rounds.
    Big,Bad,Mean Guy 

    Develop a code language with these guys so you communicate in ways the rest of us mere non-ministerial mortals cannot make out. For example, you could use rubbing two noses together to mean “I really love that new Ricky Martin jam”.

    Every-so-often, the men should huddle around you and give you what the rest of us mere non-ministerial mortals would call a group hug. They should squeeze you real tight. The primary aim of this is to guard you against falling nukes meant for Gaddafi. We don’t want our new minister being offed by someone else’s stash

  3. There’s this song by this Jamaica outfit RDK called Bendover. Learn the lyrics by heart. You’ll use those words as a mantra whenever in a tricky situations with the man at the top.

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