The powers that be are out there preparing a cabinet list, a sort of who’s who that will basically throw some light on who will steal what and under what guise. Far be it for us to undermine the complexity of a process so complex, the papal selection looks like teaching a kid about vowels. The thing is, we sort of went and said we can do the job in under an hour and now faced with the option of sticking feet in our collective mouth, we choose to deliver…
Minister of Defense: Peter Sematimba
This guy has shown resilience under fire.
Gun fire: “Did you steal the votes?”
Minister of defense to be: “What votes?”
His fast words, tailored suits and mascara will professionalize our army overnight, something the Commander-in-chief has not yet completely done over donkey years. His history shows someone who’s always been gunning for the top. His oratory will fire up the soldiers, filling them with the want to go hide their guns in the enemy’s camp, then turn around and say “Look! They wanted to kill us!!”
And the men would also undergo personal transformation:
During Sematimba Military training session:
And after the guy is done with them:
Ministry of Agriculture & Animal Industry & Fisheries: Kabakumba Masiko
This was too easy. She is an obvious choice. She is the last known member of the Kwelekwele tribe, the rest of her tribe having perished in a tragic event in which Busu, the tribe chief, convinced his people that urinating on electric sockets would make them wiser. She missed the pee off because, legend has it, she’d gone to do a number 2. The Kwelekwele people were known for being able to talk to animals, and the good lady has shown this from time to time, lapsing off into gibberish that gets fouls and cattle excited. On the other hand, humans do not quite get her.
Ministry of Health: Kirunda Kiveijinja
Again, another very easy call. This guy knows, first hand, the effects of mental ill-health. He’d therefore give everything in him to make y’all healthy.
This one is called Ernest, and he has said that;
Minister of Disaster Preparedness: Calvin Da Entertainer
A very bad, very very bad music show presenter from UBC. He is very bad. His posture is bad. Unnatural and pained and bad. It makes me think there is an uncomfortable object stuck in his bum and he is trying to keep the show going in spite of the fact that he is being sodomised as he speaks. His speech? It’s bad. He talks in running spurts of overconfident gibberish and never ever says anything worthwhile. A typical presentation from Calvin Da Entertainer about, say, a new video from Nikki Minaj, will contain this much information: That is Nikki Minaj. It’s her video. Yeah. I think it’s a great video. It must be a great video. It comes from Nikki Minaj. She’s the one in the video.
That’s how he presents his show.
Calvin Da Entertainer should be minister of disaster preparedness because who better to have this portfolio than a man who is a disaster himself?
Hold up Ernest. I also have an idea for Minister of Disaster Preparedness
Minister of Disaster Preparedness: Harold Camping
Its very easy to see why people will think we are milking this whole rapture thing till its tits get sore, but come on you guys, no one in Uganda has managed to get this much attention EVER. Not Besigye with his Fart at Work campaign, not Sempa with his Feast on Faeces kaboozi, but one man says the world is coming to an end and everyone pays attention. Why do we think he will be perfect for this job? Well, like any government official he can do crazy stuff with numbers (and people’s money) and after he blundered so bad, somehow we think he would be willing to take up another job in another country.
Minister Of Education: Haji Nasser Sebagala.
Not a Mayor, Not yet an Academic, this gentleman is world renown for his slippery grasp of the English Language and his command of world currencies. Adept at making something out of nothing, this guy will serve as a great example to students in vocational schools who will, we hope, be inspired by him. He is a great choice for this position in light of the fact that he has been incarcerated before and as such can empathize with school conditions and given his own qualifications, it shouldn’t be too hard to get more graduates emerging…because, you know, the bar ain’t being set so high….