Why you still haven’t been claimed by the rapture…

By • May 23rd, 2011 • Category: In The News, Top 10

Some old dude in the States got carried away with his algebra and decided the world needed to know of his awesomeness. This, as you can imagine was not going to be a cheap move to pull off, so he sunk a shit load of money into his mission and staked his reputation, you know, for good measure. When he figured he was ready, he took a step back and smiled…or cried, for you see, this old dude had discovered that the world’s end was at hand. Taking a leaf from a religion that closely resembled Christianity and basing his theories on little more than the mysterious numbers in Lost, dude said the day of rapture was May 21st.

Saturday came and left and didn’t take anyone with it… well, anyone of relative significance; Besigye may have been hoping it would have given him the opportunity to sneak out, but homie is still chilling at his crib with his new walk-to-work basically involving a trip to the loo.

So, what happened? Why didn’t the world end? Well, to understand the situation, you need to understand one thing. The faithful were taken and then there’s you, dear reader. And these are the reasons why you got stuck here;

10- That stuff you did in the club on Friday night probably didn’t win you any marks with the office upstairs and as such the powers that be figured you should stick around a little longer and rethink things.

9- The fanatics were right all along and your continued intake of rock music has earned you a spot down here for a bit. I know what you’re thinking, but leave Rachel K alone… I said ROCK and MUSIC!

8- Turns out Gladiator footwear really IS from the other side and the devil is having a blast looking at all the ladies he has enslaved every time they step out in public with that stuff. That… and leggings. Crocs were clearly a dead giveaway; no one that loves you will subject you to wearing them.

The 2011 Underworld Collection

7- By constantly looking her dead in the eye as she wears any of the items above and saying “You look okay” without the ulterior intention of getting laid, you have successfully cast your soul into eternal damnation.

6- Up till Saturday you had no idea that this website existed and have been living in sin all along, ‘LIKING’ pages on Facebook, reading Matooke Nation (hi you guys!) and constantly saying (that’s right, saying, not typing out) LOL, LOLEST and other silly variations of the same…eg UGKMO (U GON’ KILL ME OH) and NNNE (Nsese Nnyo Nnengwa Eri)

5- Its true after all, touching yourself is WRONG and will keep you here… yes, even if you’re wearing gloves (scented or other) as you do it. Also, its possible you misinterpreted that whole love your neighour thing…

4- You actually thought that Kanye’s last album was nice and can recite the lyrics to Monster like your life depends on it… guess what, it did.

3- You are one of those people that starts off the night with a bottle of warm mineral water, but as soon as you realize that you no longer have to pay for your drinks your taste slowly matures to accommodate drinks that you’ve only heard about in songs by Jay Z, Lil Wayne, Eminem and Keko.

2- You happen to be one of those guys that facilitate the growth process in No. 3 above.

1-  Your phone doesn’t have a ‘color screen’. You were clearly forgotten by time and it should come as no surprise that other monumental ocassions will choose to forget you as well.


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About Ivan

doesn't get why you feel compelled to force an accent when you're talking to summers

  • Anonymous

    Tee Hee! Hilarious.