Monday Massacres: The Rapture-Why you were left behind

By • May 23rd, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

I know it is hard to take in the fact that some people are now in nirvana, sipping on spiked coconut juice, looking into each other’s eyes singing Kumbaya and swinging in Hammocks while listening to the latest Kenny Rogers jam.

Highway to Heaven

That's not your silhouette is it?

I know it is hard to take in the fact that you were left behind. That you are mawolu. That you are that stuff that remains after someone has eaten sugarcanes. That you are those matoke peels. That you have to go do that exam after all. That you have to go say “Yes masser” all day today. This post was typed from a gold keyboard, amidst sing-songy pretty winged beings. In-depth research and slight tapping into the heavenly hotline has revealed why you were left behind.


  1. You were asleep
  2. You once had bad thoughts about the nice boda-boda guy who you told to take you to Steak-out and then 20 meters from the place, you insisted he drops you off. Being a nice person, he insisted on taking you to the entrance. And he did. And you sent bad thoughts his way as he rode off
  3. You once did a Nigerian movie marathon. And after watching them, you thought about how to make John yours. And you picked up empty Bell lager bottles and put dry grass in them while chanting
  4. You once went hunting for supper with your buddies. You chased a lone antelope for what seemed like eternity. Tired, sweaty, your buddies resigned themselves to go to bed without supper. You refused. You dropped your spear and kept running after the antelope. For several hours, you both went through an animated tour of the countryside. Till the antelope got tired and you pounced on it.
  5. You think Sean Kingston can sing
  6. One time there was no water at home so you doused yourself with lotion, Vaseline and a splash of Sure and went to work. Pretty-receptionist-you’d-been-hitting-on-for-6-weeks smiled at you as you walked in. And she asked, “Eh eh, Jason, did you shower?”.  And you said yes.
  7. Sure Deodrant

    Sure saves the day!!

  8. One day you were vibing Nabweteme, or Nabwi to her buddies. You invited her for dinner at a fancy place in Wandegeya. You got there first. And took 3 bottles of mineral water (not at once) as you waited. She arrived with 4 buddies, and they sat and gave you toothy (and from 2 of them hungry), grins. The evening progressed with many jokes, and hearty laughter, and camaraderie, and high-fives from everyone but you. You said you were not hungry. And you slipped off for a short call and run to Livingstone hall on campus to get a loan.
  9. You were a village chief of a fierce tribe in Kamwenge and your tribe was attacked by the widely feared Amagluglu clan. You led the battle. And you guys fought bravely, never tiring. Only letting your voices be heard when letting out battle cries. And then you felt the urge to pee. And you sneaked off to pee.


Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • Nuttytn100

    Haha.I’ve laughed a good one at this…especially…’And then you felt the urge to pee. And you sneaked off to pee.’