TOP TEN: Because its like… uh, the end of the world, hello!

By • May 20th, 2011 • Category: Columns, Top 10

So the world is ending tomorrow, la di da and fuddy da. Some guy in the US has deciphered it out and beyond the shadow of a doubt, May 21 will be the date of the Rapture and the Day of Judgment will follow in October.We did the research, he isn’t lying.


Our psychic expert


So that is settled. What if your girl who is saved has refused to give you stuff until her birthday and it falls on May 22nd? What about all the days you have worked for this month that you will not get to be paid for? Jesus can be so selfish sometimes.

The guy who started it all, A Rev. Camping somewhere in California says that at 6pm tomorrow, its rupture time baby! I wonder now, does the rapture take place at different times the world over? California is several hours behind most of the world. Why does the West get to sit and watch the rest of the world disintegrate into mayhem? That gives them time to watch the fun and then get saved when it is approaching sixish there there!! I swear if God isn’t racist, he is at least Timeist.

So there will be a rapture, all the really good born again Christians will go to heaven, and the ones who will remain will be hypocritical sinners. There is a win win in this scenario. The fifteen man congregation church near my home that likes raising hell (pun intended) during my Sunday mornings when all I want to do is sleep will have to shut up. Indeed there is a God.

Well too bad, i want to sleep

So dear reader, what will you do when the times comes? When tomorrow you wake up and find clothes by the roadside, and you are are still here instead of up there in Abraham’s bosom, will you go out with a bang or a whimper? I do not know, but I uhm… have a few ideas?

Presenting: My top ten suggestions for what to do as the world draws to an end.

1- Get high. Get high on whatever brain altering mind enhancing drug cocktail you can put together. That way you will be in heaven way ahead of the rest. When they arrive all sweaty from prayer and repentance, they will ask you how you got there so quickly. You will tell them you used the high-way.

2- Party like it is the end of the world. Because it will be. Five months, go max.

3- Get laid in style. But not those pathetic, one bedroom one bed two condom forty minute affairs.  Enlist horny young teens, leggy but repressed MILFs, Livestock etc. Buy out all the Red Bull in the city and orchestrate a five months bonkfest. when the Legions of Darkness and the Heavenly Host are going at it, even you you will be going at it.

Talk about the ultimate orgasm

4- Spend your last hours watching a movie marathon of apocalyptic themed movies, Day after tomorrow, Armageddon, 2012 etc. Then walk out and experience the real thing itsself. This is what I am planning on doing by the way. I am going to carry a camcorder and record this awesome never before seen event for posteri… oh Dang!!

Judgement Day better have it's thing together, you guy, 2012 was a Disaster-thon!!

5- Go to a Buddhist temple and invest your last days in deciphering the ultimate truth… Just kidding.

6- Enjoy yourself. Clear all the small vendettas you have accumulated over the years. Buy guns, many guns. Start by killing everyone who says things like “I know, right!”.  If you can’t buy them then steal them. I know stealing is a sin but you are going to hell anyway.

7- Go to and read the entire backlog of hilarious and rib cracking articles. Last chance Ladies and Gentlemen, get ’em while you still can!!!

8- Find that hot chick who likes telling dudes she will sleep with them only if the world is ending. But hurry, people actually die from fatigue.

9- Do all those things you have always been curious about doing but were too afraid. Like slapping a dog, peeing into an electric socket, doing the moon walk from Rugby Club to the Lugogo showground gate with your eyes closed. Simple things like that.

10- I dunno, pray?

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  • Iwaya Mataachi

    Listen to Bruno Mars ‘Liquor Store Blues’ and then “float like you run the block!” 

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  • Grace K

    Trust me, you do not want to be high when the world is ending! Your brain will start adding unbelievable CG effects that might freak you out. Say if the end is a result of the ‘zombie apocalypse’, you’ll just head into that eat-on thinking it’s a carnival/orgy. don’t do it man

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