She Is A Bleeping VAC-ist!

By • May 18th, 2011 • Category: Suburbans

He is the man Casanova ran to for advice. When he loves a woman, Cupid extends his working hours to Sundays and public holidays. He will chase after a girl until she runs out of legs. From the romantic villages of the English alphabet, we bring you this week’s sixth suburban legend…

Conrad Kuzooka



I really don’t want to delve into the poetics of how we met and how it’s at first sight. Let’s go two months down the road.

Men are beasts. We like the thrill of a good fight and the warm tastes it comes with, but when the said beast is crippled (I’m not being literal here. Don’t want you thinking I’m a freak), it slows down the chase and soon, we throw in the towel and walk away, off to another kill.


First come naawe! I want to love you!

So, I met this vacist, cute and all excited. She is above 18. Me, lion, roooooaaarrreeed her heart out and she quickly gave in…but she is a vacist. These are things men hate.

1. Don’t tell us of your high school boyfriends and how they hurt you. They are boyfriends….we are MEN.

2. Don’t try making us jealous. That’s child play, if we did try, you might call us monsters.

3. Calling me after every hour in a busy week is clear a tale tell sign that you are mentally handicapped in my aspirations. And my boss hates seeing me on my phone. That is wastage of company resources.

4. You don’t love me. Love is complicated let alone has no meaning to us. Me, I don’t have it in my vocabulary.

5. Calling me after midnight on a working day is wasting my resources. I need to rest my mind coz i use it for useful things. You, you are still in vac.

6. Issues. To me, trying to make money is a big thing. That your friend came to see you and brought with her your ka-high school sweet heart is none of my business. Those are none issues to me.

7. Sex.


Eh eh! Me riivu me you gu-boyi! Stop saying those things things!

8. Never ask me about past relationships. They are in the past.

9. Family.

10. I am a man. I have needs. Young child, try “tolorating” this.

11. You shall never read this, speaking with you is like talking to a Chinese dude…I need several dictionaries. Slang you call it, is not speaking English. Poor communication.

12. You actually don’t know what I do?

13. People don’t love after 3 weeks. I mean, seriously. Unless you are a sucker for that kind of thing.

14. I am not a virgin. Don’t ask how. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

15. You are a virgin.

16. I have to give you all these reasons to tell you why men hate this. Men really hate this.

17. I’m not a teenager.

18. You are a teenager.

I have given 18 reasons why the lion roared after killing a crippled antelope and just walked away. The meat there is not sweet. And FYI, slang is not English, honestly. I hate pakalast…and am a monster. Enough said.

Oh, BTW, the only reason why you will fail to read this is simply because…this is written word…I should help you and try writing one in Chinese.


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