Twakowa!

By • May 17th, 2011 • Category: Suburbans

The entire solar system is afraid of her. The sun sets in the west because it has spotted her in the east. When there’s an eclipse, the solar system has called a crisis meeting on how to escape her wrath. From the fiery quarters of the English alphabet, we bring you this week’s fourth suburban legend…

Maureen Makuba

 

Today I shall go off like a back-alley raised child. But I don’t really care. My city, Kampala, has been going down the drain for the longest time & it’s time I joined the fist-pounders.

Presenting the reasons why I am pulling my hair out of its roots.

 

Twakowaaaaaaa!!!!!

It’s getting hot in here!

I am a glass-half-full sort of person. Very optimistic. I believe that one very near day, I shall be able to afford all the shoes in the world. Plus some shares in the Coca-Cola company.

But this heat has dried all the water outta my bubble. Which explains why I’m looking at the sunny side of things with very unfriendly eyes. The heat has taken the fun out of everything. It has worsened my coke addiction, am up to 4 bottles from one per day and that is not good news for my hips.

Sunburn afflicting indigenous Kampalans? Seriously? We as a nation need to join our sweaty palms in prayer for rain.

These excuses of roads

This is the one issue on which all Ugandans agree. The roads are terrible. Horrendous. Shaming. I believe our city has its higher points but today, I am complaining.

Our roads are potholed and are now etching their way into the pavements. So-called maintenance works end up with the roads sewn over with patches at different points that give the poor, poor roads a semblance of the elbow points on Inspector Derrick’s jackets. The holes are so deep, rough-edged & when the sun is not taking her bright naturedness a tad too far, they are water-filled. People claim to have seen fish swim in these holes.

The situation is so bad that Sanyu FM once held a competition that promised monetary rewards to anyone who could find an entire road that was void of a pothole. No one took that money. And it wasn’t for lack of trying. The city doesn’t have even one entirely smooth road.

Seriously, we are fed up.

UMEME

Dear whichever-incompetent-person-runs-this-even-more-incompetent-sorry-excuse-of-an-organization, quit this little game of hide & seek that you have going on with our wiring systems & light bulbs. These things of turning the darkness on at inappropriate hours are not as cool as you have gotten yourselves to believe.

You do not load shed us on Sundays. Most of us stay home all day doing things such as family lunch, bonding with family members we hardly see during the week. And when that is done, we like to watch TV for the rest of the day. We actually need power for that. You do not sentence us to darkness at awkward weekday hours.

You are nursing a revolution and we shall find a way to replace you.

Tacky tabloids

I consider myself to be highly cultured. But a juicy piece of gossip will get me. Yes, I’m not above lugambo. But that doesn’t diminish my magnificence. I am the ISH.

But banange, these silly, thickheaded and dimwitted people who bring buckets of shame upon the writers’ community need to be quarantined. They are hazardous. Apart from kuswazaring us, they pollute the minds of our population.

Mummy! Come and chee a goyogo!

A tabloid should have nonsensical gossip, we get that. But if you dare to branch into serious news coverage within the same print, please, please, be serious about it.

And for the love of God, please be a tad literate and don’t mess innocent people’s lives. Go for Bebe Cool. He is good game. He can handle. After all, he is munene munene. TUKOOYE!!!

 

Want the solar horror back? Like this article.


Liking this article is what happens to cool people

  • Maureen Mayanja

     Indeed! I feel your every word!