Osama Bin Ladead: Who Gets The $25M Bounty?

By • May 16th, 2011 • Category: Suburbans

His written word has murdered the most gruesome, most fierce and most horrifying poisonous chicken in the Amazon. When he speaks, he causes inflation in Asia. From the outlawed districts of the English alphabet, we bring you this week’s second suburban legend…

Edgar Omwango


As would be expected, there are skeptics out there who still doubt whether Osama bin Laden really is dead. Last week, there were unconfirmed reports alleging that Donald Trump had demanded to see Bin Laden’s death certificate before he could believe that the Al Qaeda leader really is no more. The man trusts no one in this world except his barber, apparently.


He's dead? How come he didn't tell me!

However, on such matters the public will likelier believe the Commander in Chief of the armed forces which actually carried out the operation than the man with the most ridiculous hair since Michael Jackson after a Pepsi advert gone wrong.

So with Osama bin Laden officially out of the way, it is now time for attention to turn to matters arising in the wake of his death. His next of kin will have to be located and notified, and his will read. The post of America’s enemy number one will also have to be advertised, since Col. Muammar Gaddaffi, for weeks America’s enemy number two and who assumed the mantle immediately upon Osama’s death, is liked by too many people to make a very good public enemy.

And then there is the small question of the $25million bounty that had hung on Osama’s head for years but now can’t hang there any longer, probably because his head is now several leagues beneath the Atlantic.

And the question is, who gets the money?

The bounty, according to Uncle Sam, was for anyone who significantly aided in the capture of Osama bin Laden. The list of possible beneficiaries is very long, and a certain 17-year-old Welsh footballer is among those being considered.

Reports from Islamabad, where Osama had apparently been living when he was killed, indicate that in the evening before the Americans swooped in, staccato gunfire was heard from the compound now known to have housed Bin Laden. “It was at around 6:30pm (1430GMT) when we heard a burst of gunfire from the compound.” Ahlod Ahbul, a local resident, told reporters. “However, it was followed by shouts of joy, so we knew it was celebratory gunfire. Those are quite common around here.”

An American intelligence official, who refused to be quoted because of the sensitivity of the matter, confirmed these reports. “Our satellites were passing directly over the house at that exact moment and they took pictures of a man who had just run out in apparent celebration.” He said. “The pictures were scrambled to Langley, and using sophisticated software, we ascertained 99.999% that the man was indeed Osama bin Laden.”

Investigations into what may have caused the Al Qaeda leader’s ultimately fatal euphoria have uncovered that Bin Laden was a keen supporter of the English Premier League soccer club Arsenal FC.

It is suspected that he was watching the London-based club’s match against bitter rivals Manchester United, and his running out in ecstasy may have occurred when Arsenal’s 17-year-old Welsh winger, Aaron Ramsey, scored what proved to be his team’s winning goal.


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