Monday Massacres: How To Win The Premier League

By • May 16th, 2011 • Category: Monday Massacres

You are a manager of a soccer club somewhere. And you are also an ardent reader of ULK. But you’ve never won the premier league. You dream of the day you’ll walk back home, the precious cup tucked under your arm, rubbing expensively against your skin. You dream that you’ll gruffly kick open the door and let out a guttural scream, “Masitula I’m home! I brought the cup!!”. And you’d proceed to do things that cannot be mentioned on this page.

You spend your days instructing men on a pitch. Trying to get them to kick the ball to each other and to finally kick it into the net. You do not instruct them on how to scream excitedly after the ball goes into the net. That you leave to their ingenuity.

Soccer Goal celebration

I scored the goal with all this right hurr!!

Here are some sure fire tips to get you your next premiership trophy. One team has won it 19 times! No fair.

Here they are taunting you.


Manchester United Wins Premiership Trophy

Haha nigger, look at us, we have the cup! hahaha. WE have it!

Here he is taunting you alone.


Wayne Rooney

You can't even win a cup..heeeheee!

Will you take that? This must stop. It is your time. You will be glad we took you to the next level. Here are the invaluable tips.


  1. Make sure you have 11 men. Do not field less.
  2. Do not field ballerinas. Those girls can tiptoe, but they cannot kick a ball
  3. Field Jimmy Jones. He is a presenter on a late night show on one of our radio stations. Much as his soccer skills are as good as the next goat’s, he has a gift. His late night show has been billed to be the best at putting people to sleep. A cure for Insomnia if you may. On pitch, you could set him loose on one player at a time. He talks to them, they sleep, you score. But whatever you do, please point out the referee to him just in case he thinks of chatting him up
  4. Have one member of your team take off his boot and scream, “It’s alive! It’s out to get me!!!” and then run towards the opponent’s goalkeeper screaming, “Take him instead. Take him!”
  5. Get choreography. Then at a pre-decided time (50th minute is highly recommended), your team should break into dance. Running man has shown some positive results before. When the opponents start to bob their heads, head for goal
  6. Do not field this guy:
  7. E.T

  8. Use this formation:
  9. Ideal Soccer Formation

    Ideal Soccer Formation

    In state 1, all your men are defending. In state two, all your men are in the the opponents goal, celebrating their 15th goal.

  10. Field this guy:
  11. 300

    This is soccer!!

Without the sword of course. Swords are not allowed in soccer. Instruct him to continuously say his all-too-famous phrase but with a slight twist: “This is soccer!! “.  This should be followed by a kick.

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