Presidential Candidates, Thoughts from a Parallel Universe

By • May 13th, 2011 • Category: Features, Politics

I was there thinking (as you do) contemplating the presidential swearing in ceremony and I was just thinking, imagining if like you know, there were parallel universes, and all our presidential candidates had gone through somewhere, what would their presidential terms have been like, how would their stories have ended? What would Uganda have been?

Who knows? Who can tell? The mind boggled.

I also thought; what if in a parallel universe, none of the 2011 presidential candidates including Mr Museveni, ever came to realize that passion? What if none of them ever achieved their dream, their calling, their God inspired ambition, of leading Uganda to a bigger and better future? What if?

The mind boggled even further.

Presenting, Thoughts from a parallel universe.

Besigye Warren Kizza.

Recurrent pain from too many beatings and the sting of unrelenting political failure left Kizza Besigye a bitter bitter man. Being (as no one can deny) a strong and resilient soul, Besigye chose to channel all his rage into something a little more practical. He went into business, investing time and energy in the internet market where he made a fortune developing sad and regretful emoticons for the unfairly unhappy.

 

Museveni President

After his shocking loss, the elderly liberator entered a severe and debilitating bout of self doubt. He retreated to his Rwakitura residence where he underwent a spell of soul searching that lasted several years. Eventually he released a sequel to Sowing the Mustard Seed called, “What is in a Seed? That which we call Mustard” an impressive compendium of Statistics on his 25 year long reign that proved once and for all that with the right stats anything is possible and you can achieve political freedom, economic growth, national unity and a corrupt free state if you will only just believe the press releases.

Promotional materials in Riot Water pink

Mao Norbert

Aka Mr Personality did not abandon his hopes of leading the country to a better future. But alas it was simply not meant to be. The shrewd Mao chose another career path and became the new face of Colgate Africa. Here his fetching countenance and the capacity to unleash a glowing mouthful of strong white teeth at the slightest provocation won him a bevy of adoring and gushing fans all over the continent.

He had arrived.

Presenting...

Samuel Lubega

Decided to join the Pan Africanist movement, a forum where his academic style and rambling rhetoric could be put to fitting use. He grew a beard, took to wearing dashikis and horn rimmed glasses and changed his name to Brother Malik Chimbewo Kwame. He lived a long and fruitful life.

A cooler Sam Lubega

Olara Otunnu

Having no family no prospects and no observable fashion sense. Olara Otunnu nevertheless continued with his initial campaign of struggling at all costs to be somehow relevant. This how ever did not work and as the years passed, his baby charm, engaging bewilderment and trademark smile begun to lose their lustre. He became grim, foreboding and slightly frightening. Eventually he went into the assassin industry, where hair styles like his are wildly fashionable.

For example

Beti Kamya

After graciously conceding defeat, the vigorous Beti Olivia Namisango Kamya, went on to become the strongest advocate of federalism in Uganda. That was until she was arrested for smuggling giraffes out of the country to feed a demand among millionaires with strange hobbies. A representative from the estate of the late Michael Jackson testified at her trial.

i know people...

Abed Bwanika

Eventually grew disillusioned by politics. He decided to start himself church and took great pains in procuring a seemingly nondescript plot. After building the church he rejoiced every Sabbath in directing the loudest of the speakers towards Kale Kaihura’s house.

Evil just

Jaberi Bidandi Sssali

Ended his illustrious political career as chief political advisor to the President; His Excellency Big is Big Bebe Cool.

Giving us the final rap

 

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