Love In The Time Of Teargas

By • May 10th, 2011 • Category: Love Doctor

On my way to work this morning I passed this sexual network billboard that tells couples that one of the ways to avoid getting on the network is by spending lots of family time together.


A happy family

Wait, isn’t there some sort of UCC regulation that restricts one network from openly saying crap about the other? But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.

Just like this billboard, many solution activists are getting it wrong. You know what the recent trend of political events in Uganda teaches us? You can solve all of the world’s problems with teargas; inflation, poverty, hunger, crime, corruption, natural disasters, Kivejinja and, yes, relationship problems.

And that is where the love doctor comes in. I gatchoback.

Your knight in shining armour

See, people like me are the kind that were brought into this world to give you smart and mystic solutions like these; solutions logically unseen to the naked eye and unclean mind. Like yours.

If your lover ever decides to walk out on you, break their window with a pistol and teargas them back into loving you again. Then as a style of lovemaking, fly fighter jets over them. It works. I know you think it’s weird but a pistol really does break a window amazingly well.

I know you doubt my advice so for believability, I’m going to philosophize this. People tend to easily believe in things after you give them a touch of philosophy. I hear you sound complicated and learnt which earns you credibility.

See how the president keeps promising the same developments every time and gets away with it?

He pledges “health, education, roads…health, education, roads…and also health, education, roads…” then he gives the mundane recurrence a mild touch of philosophy: “…those are the fundamental cornerstones that will build this country’s foundation.” And you all shake your heads in awe, decide he is brilliant and you clap.


Yes, Mister President! Yes sir!


I know

So to apply the same theory to love, let me start by sounding like my brilliant president. Or like those heavily bearded college professors in movies:

The teargas courting principle is a derivation of the ancient Greek theory of Prometheus romance advanced by…

Then I throw in a primeval baldheaded author whose only evidence of existence is just some weird sketch by an old artist who was probably threatened with a bow and arrow to draw it:

…11th century philosopher Augusto Rimbaldi. Rimbaldi illustrates that love and romance can be sustained and problems averted by the persistent application of pepper spray and teargas in a given relationship X.

Rimbaldi when he was still just Rim

But really, don’t you have better things to do than reading this disorganized article that’s not about love yet it’s about love as if? I think I’ve wasted enough of your time already. Class dismissed. Go and love in peace.

Oh and don’t forget:

Ragga Sevo’s new album launch is on this Thursday at Kololo Entertainment Airstrip.

It’s free for all but 10k for Mao, Brother Otunnu and Uncle Besigye.


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