It’s the Urban Legend How To Guide: Twelve steps to success in absolutely anything at all. Today we teach you all how, in 12 steps, to Get Your Shit Back From That Woman.
We have all been there. You dated a girl, you got her some stuff, she went crazy, you broke up, you want your shit back, she says no.
You need this guide.
- When you find yourself in this situation you must spend some time asking how, where and why you messed up. It’s only natural. Drink a lot and bore your friends by endlessly riling on about how wicked she was and how you are so glad to be rid of her.
- One of your friends will ask for her number.
- If you think this friend is an ass for asking for her number at such a time, when you are right there pouring out your soul, then give it to him. Give him the cow’s number. Let him see how he likes having his shit taken and not brought back.
- When he dashes off to call her, suddenly feel a pang of something hot in your heart. Cos that’s when you realize that if him and her get together, she will be officially gone. I mean, you will have actually lost her.
- Do you really want that? I mean, yeah, she was a heinous bitch during whatever circumstance it was that lead you to break up, but… but… but…
- …but you love her. You do. You don’t want to just lose her. What about the good times?
- Go to her place. I know it’s half past midnight and you are extremely drunk, but this is Love. Love is greater than sobriety. No matter how slurred your words, the language of love is always clear. No matter what the askari is saying about you showing up at the flat so late.
- Kick the dog. There is usually a dog around her house at midnight and when you start shouting it will join in.
- She will eventually open the window and cuss you out. When she is done she will ask if this is about your stupid-ass magazines and your fake DVDs. She will suggest that if you want them back so bad you should go to the rubbish heap and find them there and make your wololo noise there instead of disturbing her and her neighbours. Mswech.
- Tell her to shut up and listen for once in her life.
- Tell her. Tell her you love her. Tell her you made a big mistake. Tell her you can’t go on without her in your life. Tell her you need her. Tell her you will do whatever it takes to get her back. Tell her you are standing in the middle of the suburbs at midnight being bitten by stray dogs and threatened by askaris and that’s how badly you miss her. You would rather be here getting rabies than be anywhere else without her. It might work.
- If it does, and she invites you up to her flat, go running. Don’t walk, run. Make sweet love to her. Then the next day, go to the rubbish dump and collect your stuff. Never lend it to her again.